They said WHAT??

Tix Lady tawks tix

Tix Lady


Dear Reader,

Most of my working life has been in and around the theatre (except for a brief stint as a construction secretary for Citibank BUT even then, the VP who was my boss, was named Eugene O'Neill)

I've been a professional actor (AEA SAG/AFTRA) , singer, stage manager, prop person, assistant lighting person, off stage voice, tap dancer, and playwright.  I am passionate about theatres.  I love looking at them.  I love being in them.  I love how they smell.

Now, I sell tix and occasionally get tics from the theatre going/ wanting to go/never have gone before/ public. 

Comments are real, names are not.  A few comments were shared by co workers.  People say the darnedest things. Copywright & owner of all material & ideas associated here in 😬!!!  

Mrs. Customer:  'Why are some tix $150? Why are some $35?'
Tix Lady:           'It depends on how far away you are.'
Mrs. Customer:  ' I'm in New Jersey!' 

That conversation is what made me start the blog! 

Most of the converstions were mine all mine.  They are true and funny and some touched my heart.  Check back because there will be new comments to share!!

Enjoy, 

         Tix Lady



P.S. A fan of the blog suggested I put the comments in recent order so she doesn't have to scroll down.  


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  Mrs: Customer: ‘WAIT! Let me look at your damn seating chart!’ 🤭

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Tix Lady: ... and just a reminder that children under four are not permitted in the theatre. 
               Which credit card would you like to use?’

Ms. Customer: : ‘Wait!  Hold on! My daughter is seven!!’  🤪
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Mrs. Customer:  ‘Sorry if I’m slurring !  I Have CREST White Stripes in my mouth right now!’😬

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Tix Lady: "What is your zip code?"

Mrs. Customer: "10306@aol.com" 
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Tix Lady: "Name as it appears on your card."

Mr. Customer: "Last name, Kruger. First name, Frederick. Before you say anything...I had the name before the movie came out!!"
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Mr. Customer: " I don't know.  I just don't know if I like Bette Midler $229. worth."
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Hal: "I told a friend about your blog. She said her grandson won't let her look at it because it's porno."

Tix Lady: "Make sure she's spelling Tixlady with one T and no S on the end.  "

Hal: " OMG!!" 

Tix Lady: "Yes. There is a Tits Lady. THAT is NOT my blog!"
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Tix Lady: " I have J 101 & 102 available in the orchestra."

Mr. Customer: "Are they the same seats I saw last night on the internet?"

Tix Lady: " I don't know. I wasn't with you last night."
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Mrs. Member: " I AM a Lincoln Center member. I want to see MY FAIR BABY."

Tix Lady:  " MY FAIR LADY @ the Beaumont. May I have your membership #?"

Mrs. Member: " Yes. It's 691...oh wait a minute. (yelling) MARIA!!  I'm in here.  MARIA?  O.K. So we need to change the Ivory soap.  OH...AND the sheets have pee in them."

  Poor Maria !

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Ms. Caller: " I left my cell at the Shubert Theatre last night."

Tix Lady: "I'll fill out a LOST & FOUND form & fax your info to the theatre. If your cell is found & turned in to the house manager, someone will call you back.  So last night 3/31 at The Shubert Theatre where HELLO DOLLY is playing."

Ms. Caller: " NO! I went to see  ROCKTOPIA."

Tix Lady: "Oh.  ROCKTOPIA is at The Broadway Theatre."

Ms. Caller: "That's what I said. "The Broadway Shubert Theatre!" 

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Ms. Member: " I am a member of Lincoln Center and my husband died this morning and we have tickets of MY FAIR LADY...and sniff sniff sniff  I can't...

Tix Lady: " I am so sorry. SO sorry.  Let me see if we can just refund you for today."

So...of course if someone dies, your first thought would be your theatre tix."

Tix Lady: " We just refunded your Visa..."

Mrs. Member: "Thank you and tell the supervisor I will call back to re order ...as soon as...

She gets a new husband! ( Evil )
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Tix Lady: "What is the name on the card?""

Ms. Li: " CHI LI"

AND IT IS CHEE LEE outside too.
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Tix Lady: ' You just go to the box office window, tell them your name and show your credit card for identification."

Mrs. Customer: " What do you suppose the window will say?"

Tix Lady: "Nothing. Windows can't talk."

I am a sit down comedienne
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TRIBUTE TO TIX BOSS

Tix Lady: " My customer wants specific seating for The Boch Theatre. It's K 106 and 107. I'm getting the seats next to those but she doesn't want those."

Tix Boss: "Well. They probably aren't available.."

Tix Lady: " Yes. They are I see them on our website and so does my customer. So can you help me get them?"

Tix Boss: " What theatre?"

Tix Lady: "The Boch in Boston."

Tix Boss: ' The Wang?"

Tix Lady: " No THE BOCH"

Tix Boss: "What is the show?"

Tix Lady: "Nick Cave"

Tix Boss: "Why do they have stupid shows like that?"

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Mrs. Customer: "I have to know which side of the theatre the mens room is on. My husband has to pee all the time"
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Mrs. 5th Ave." I did not go to the show and I was told I could call the day of and you would get me in. I want to go tonight."

Tix Lady: " Do you have an order #?"

Mrs. 5th Ave.: " NO!"

Tix Lady: "What's the name of the show? And do you know the original date?"

Mrs. 5th Ave.: "GO FAR WAY and NO I don't know what the hell the date was."

Tix Lady: " COME FROM AWAY  and are they  e tix?"

Mrs. 5th Ave.: " They are NOT e tix"

Tix Lady: " O.K. I can look you up by the bar code. It's a 12 digit # that begins with a 9"

Mrs. 5th Ave.: " That would mean I would have to go in the other room and find them. JUST TELL ME IF I CAN GO TODAY OR NOT!"

Tix Lady: "Please hold on and i'll call the box office...
 I'm sorry they box office can not extend the courtesy for today."

Mrs. 5th Ave.: "THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. I WAS TOLD TO CALL AND I WOULD BE  ACCOMMODATED!"

Tix Lady: " You know. Tix are sold on a final sale basis. If you miss the show you bought tix for the theatre will try to get you in to another performance IF they can. It's not a guarantee. They are sold out for today."

Mrs. 5th Ave. " YOU put me through to some person who will help me."

NO HUMAN CAN EVER HELP HER.

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Mr. Customer: "The last name on my card is ANTMAN. I am the lesser known Super Hero.  My brothers are Bat and Spider.!"
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Mrs. Customer: : "OH HOY!"

TRANSLATION: "Oh. Hi"

Mrs. Customer: "'Oy jus wunt to know if you dink the best seating fowr my brudders' burthday is balcony becaws I want da best on an i-ull for his bum leg."

TRANSLATION: "I just want o know if you think the best seating for my brothers' birthday is balcony because I want the best on an aisle for his bum leg."

Tix Lady: " I'm not sure balcony and best belong in the same sentence."

Mrs. Customer: "AWW You know whut I mean!"

Tix Lady: "Of caws Oi do!"

TRANSLATION: 'Of course I do!"

I speak perfect New Yawk myself.

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Mrs. Customer: "I want three tickets for Anesthesia."

( Sounds like a real sleeper) 

Tix Lady: "ANASTASIA in New York?" 
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Mr. Customer: " I wanna see John Lithizamo in his show."

Tix Lady:  "Do you mean John Lithgow or John Leguizamo?

Mr. Customer: "I don't know."

Tix Lady: " O.K. You can see both if you have two nights free!"
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Mrs. Customer: "Do you know which side of the Shubert theatre the mens' room is on?  I know it's a weird question. But my husband has to pee all the time."

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Mr. Customer: "This is the Worst! I HATE THIS! You people sent me a new friggin password with all those doo-giggies. AND this friggin password is only good if I can remember my favorite color and my first pets' name? How the hell am I supposed to remember that shit??  Can you help me?"

Tix Lady : "Um Red? Blue? Fluffy?"

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When someones' first language is not yours, you have to give them som lee-way.

Tix Lady: "And what is the name on your credit card?"

Mr. Customer: 'Li Wei"

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Mrs. Customer: "On line I can see G 103 at $250 but I can't seem to buy it.  Can you help me?"

Tix Lady:  " Well. I have F 108. It's closer and more center. It's $149."

Mrs. Customer: "WAIT! WHAT happened to G 103?"

Tix Lady: "Are you saying  you'd rather have the 7th row instead of the 6th row and pay $100. more?  O.K. I can get you that seat."

Mrs. Customer: "Wait.  Let me think!"
She was humming a little tune while thinking! 

" O.K. I'll take F. "

Tix Lady: "And should I send it by e-mail?"

Mrs. Customer: "What? The ticket?"

( My standard answer because believe it or not others      
have asked!)  

Tix Lady:' "No The refrigerator, I just sold you!"

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Ms. Customer: " Hi. I hope you can help me move these theatre tickets out!"

Tix Lady: " Why? Do they have to move out? Did you have a fight?"

Ms. Customer: "Ha Ha Ha Ha!!  You know what I mean!"

Tix Lady:  "Nope!"

(After what felt like an eternity we finally communicated. She wanted a future date! )
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Mrs. Caller: " I have a ticket for MY FAIR LADY with my former friend who is a Lincoln Center Member.  I don't want to sit next to HER anymore. We had a huge fight.  I paid HER for MY ticket. So can you just change MY seat to another date and not tell her?"

Tix Lady: 'No! Sorry. We can only speak to the member about any changes."

Mrs. Caller: 'But she is a real bitch.  Can you call her and tell her you will refund her for my ticket and then can I use her membership price for one ticket on another date?"

Tix Lady: "So. You'd like me to call a member who pays for a membership for two. She gets a discount for two tickets. You want me to tell her that the friend who's no longer speaking to her wants to see the show on another date  so you don't have to sit next to each other AND YOU WANT HER membership discount price?  Is that  correct?"

Mrs. Caller: "Yes"
 
Tix Lady: "NO"

( WOW!  That's a little ball zee)

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Mrs. Customer: " Is it true that I have to buy $20. tickets at the box office for the BUBBLE SHOW for my own lap?"

Tix Lady: " $20 lap seats are for children under two to enter the theatre & to sit on your lap. Outside of this theatre you can invite anyone to sit on your lap, regardless of age,  for free  or what ever you want to charge.!"

  
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Mrs. Customer: "Do you think I could cancel my tickets for todays' show?  My husband AND my daughter both have the flu!  I need your advice"

Tix Lady: " GET OUT NOW!"

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Mrs. Customer: "So the name on the card is my husbands', Angelo Angelico!  I KNOW, I know!  It's a good stripper name,  right?"
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Mr. Customer: " Listen, I need your help. We don't want to piss your people off. We come from a tall people. REALLY tall. We don't  want sit in front of shorties so they can't see."  

Well. That is SO thoughtful.  I don't actually see the people I sell tix to. 

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Ms. Customer: ‘Hi! So does HELLO DOLLY have standing room seats?’
🤭

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Ms. Customer: ‘SO. Do you have a breast feeding room at the theatre?’

( . ) ( . )  👶 
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Mrs. Customer: "You are funny! You're monkeyshinin' me, right?'

Tix Lady: "Um...You mean joking? No. With your discount offer, the price for both tickets is $186."

Mrs. Customer: This sounds like jiggery-pokery to me. So  is this the out the door price?"

I'm always pen & paper ready! BUT I was flabbergasted by this woman' choice of words.  I looked them up and they exist! They were widely used decades and decades ago!  I am still laughing at 'jiggery-pokery'. 

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Mr. Customer:  ‘Too bad that the show, ‘A JEW GROWS in BROOKLYN’, has such a short run! 
It’s the story of my life!  I am THE Jew & grew up in Brooklyn!’

Tix Lady: ‘Wow! That must have been lonely! Being THE only Jew growing up in Brooklyn!’

Mr. Customer: ‘I think Joan Rivers just rose from the dead!’

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Ms. Customer: ‘ SO. MY last name I’ll sound out for you. It is ‘PRAY MAN AH SKEET OH
SHA MON E DON.  Should I spell it out for you?’

Tix Lady: ‘If it’s not too exhausting.’

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*
Mrs. Customer: " I have a discount code for DEAR EVAN HANDSOME"

The name of the show is DEAR EVAN HANSEN! 

TIX Lady: "What's your code?"

Mrs. Customer: " HDTMC9100

Tix Lady: "That code is for HELLO DOLLY."

Mrs. Customer: "Crap-o-la"  
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Mrs. Customer: "Will they be available on the 26th, do ya think?  I mean I know they sell Broadway tix on the corner."

REALLY?   She's not from NYC and it's her first time visiting. So I wonder who told her that?
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Mr. Customer: "How did you know my name & information, just like that?  Did you look me up by my phone number:

Tix Lady: "Well. No, actually, this is the psychic ticket hotline!"

This customer without missing a beat replied...

Mr. Customer: " Good. Maybe you could contact my Dad, who died a couple years ago, I have something I wanted to tell him."

I love this guy!
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Mrs. Customer: "Oh, hi. I'm on the bus now. My tix are in my suitcase under the bus.  I have tix for ANASTASIA for tomorrow and can you look me up and let me know if it's for the matinee' or the evening??

OR you could wait till you arrive at your destination, open the suit case, look at your tix to solve that mystery. 
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Mr. Customer: ‘Every seat is a happy seat at ‘NAKED BOYS SINGING! ‘ 
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Tix Lady : “Thank you so much for shopping with Broadway Tix! I hope you enjoy
the show.”

Mrs. Customer: “No! No thank you!” 

( 👂🏼 Listening is a valuable skill)

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Mrs. Customer: “I want to go to see ‘MY FAIR LADY’ and I want to sit in the matinee’”
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Miss Perky : "Oh. Hi Hi! SO. I have like these seats for a group of mentally challenged adults, you know. AND I don't want to rush them or make them upset. I mean they might choke or get hit by a car or something.  So how can I get them there, do you think, so they won't get upset about walking in late in the dark?"

Tix Lady: ' You could leave early enough so they won't have to be upset."


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Mrs. Customer: "A 305 thru 309 I WANT those seats in the Loge and your website is not conducing for me. It says I should call you.'

Tix Lady: "What show and what date would you like?"

Mrs. Customer: ' "Loge and it's the first row. A 305 thru 309. It won't give me an aisle."

Tix Lady: " I can help you but what show and what date?"

Mrs. Customer: "WHAT NOW???"

Tix Lady: "WHAT SHOW would you like to see and when would you like to go?"

Mrs. Customer: " OH HA HA HA HA HA! I want to go see 'HELLO MY FAIR DOLLY' on 3/28."

SO I had to ask if she wanted 'HELLO DOLLY' or 'MY FAIR LADY.'  She wasn't sure. 

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Judy Dench  Voice: ‘MY name is John Adams DO NOT call me  ‘M’am’ !

Tix Lady: ‘I apologize. I’m truly sorry.  ( Tix lady goes into  what can be described as her best Jame Earl Jones imitation)  As a woman with a  low voice i’ve experienced similar comments.  I can totally understand &  I’m sorry!’!’ 

**** ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  **** **** ***** **** **** **** **** ***** **** ****
Once a woman said...

‘Harry??? Harry??  This young  Gay boy  said that the  show is  sold out!’

I did not correct her but wondered what Gay sounds like!

****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****
Another caller asked, ‘Sir, can you give me the confirmation # slower?’

I did not correct her!
****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  ****  **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****
My fav ...

‘I am a speech therapist. May I ask a personal question?’

Tix Lady: ‘Sure’

Speech Lady: ‘I pride myself on my exoertise. Are you Asian?’


Tix Lady: ‘Yes’

Why  correct them? 

Sorry... Mr. Adams. You sound like  Judy Dench! 

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Tix  Lady: ...'And the name as it appears on your credit card?'

Mrs. Customer: 'Citi Visa!' 

😳
------------ ----------------******************************-------------************************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mr. Customer: 'I got an effin charge on my credit card from the bogus company you work for.  Girlie, who the hell DO you work for ? I'm about to sue your ass!'
 
Tix Lady:  'Good morning!  We sell theatre tix here. Didn't you see a show recently? If you don't have an order #, I can look look you up your name or phone #.'

Mr. Customer: 'Oh. Never mind'
 
EVIL CACkLE LAFF
* *******************************************************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: 'Thank you for finding me an aisle seat . I'm 8 months pregnant!'!'

Tix Lady: 'No refunds or exchanges & no children under four but you're ok as yours stays right where he or she is!!'

******************** ******************** ******************** ******************************************************

Mrs. Customer: 'You are nice. Very nice!  Doesn't your company know how nice you are & that you sound JuST LIKE  Patricia  Clarkson?'

Tix Lady:  I'm nice now because  they pay me to be & i AM Patricia Clarkson! I do this part time pass time!'

Mrs. Customer:  'REALLY????'

Tix Lady: 'Yes & No!' 😉


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Ms. Customer: 'ZIP? You need my zip code?  Oh dear!  I should've have been more prepared!'!'
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Mrs. Customer: 'I have a discount offer for  Rock Of ages'

Tix Lady: 'Sorry. That show closed a while ago!'

Mrs. Customer: ' WHY do I keep say saying that? I mean School of Rock! Why do I KEEP  keep saying ROCK OF Ages?
 
Tix Lady: ' Um? Maybe you sang it in church & it's still stuck in your head ?'

Mrs. Customer: 'Hell NO!'

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Mrs. Like?: "So. My friend and I are like bringing our 14 year old sons to NYC for like a weekend?   So we like bought tix for THE SCHOOL OF ROCK & for 1984??  But like now we like heard 1984 is not good for kids??  So can we like get a refund?  Like my particular son is sensitive? I mean it said it's like totally ok for 14 and older but we're like afraid now."

Tix Lady: 'I can like (whoops)  call the box office & ask. Please hold.'

BOX OFFICE DUDE: "It clearly states appropriate for 14 and older SO no. We don't do that. People need to read, the end."

Like alrighty then.
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Mr. R: "So. The first name on my Visa is Ruby. If you knew me, you'd say I'm a gem." 

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Tix Lady: "..and late comers are NOT seated. If you arrive after the performance has begun you will NOT be seated until intermission."

Mrs. Customer: ' Is there an intermission?"
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Ms. Customer: "Thank you. YOU made me laugh. I needed a little sarcasm with my coffee this morning>"

It's MY job! 
******** *************** ***************** **************** ************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I have to be quiet so my husband doesn't hear me. I was 2 tix,  the BEST seats, center orchestra not to close on 9/5"

Tix Lady: " I have two center orchestra seats 10th row for $177. each."

Mrs. Customer: " OMG THAT IS TOO EXPENSIVE!!"  

Tix Lady: " I have center mezzanine at $89. and center balcony at $69. There is an $11 service charge per ticket."

Mrs. Customer: " I HAVE to be able to see and hear."

( Well. I know the hubby can hear because she had to whisper )

Mrs. Customer: "AND I want the best"

Tix Lady: "So the best and the least expensive don't usually belong in the same sentence"

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Mrs. Customer: "We bought tix in May. We came all the way from Philadelphia to see the show. Betty Midler was out. I want my # back"

Tix Lady: "I looked you up by the # you're calling from. You ordered these from our website.  So you placed the order and your tix were scanned in. You saw the show."

Mrs. Customer: "Yes"

Tix Lady: "So in red on our website it states three times the dates when Donna Murphy is playing the role of Dolly Levi.  I'm sorry but you chose one of those dates and you saw the show. "

Mrs. Customer: "So?"

So? You bought tix yourself on the website where it says three times in RED Dolly is being played by NOT Bette Midler, you came to NYC, you went in to the theatre and saw the show and you want me to do what?'
  She was asked to send an email explaining the issue and will receive an email back politely saying YOU BOUGHT THESE TIX YOURSELF WHERE IT SAYS THREE TIMES IN RED WHO IS PLAYING THE ROLE and more than once the website tells you to check the info.... BUT YOU CHOSE TO BUY, GO, SIT, WATCH. Sorry.

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Ms. Customer: "I had tix for Jersey Boys but I missed the show and I was told I can use them again."

Tix Lady: ' I'm sorry. We don't handle the show anymore. I can give you the # for the company that does...but the show has closed now. So I doubt there is anything they can do for you now."

Ms. Customer: "Well.  We couldn't go. I've been holding these tix since 2013"


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Ms. Customer: 'When does Phantom of the Opera on Broadway start performances?"

Tix Lady: 1988
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Mr. Customer: "What shows do you have in the next 36 days?"

Tix Lady: "Well.  I can put in dates when you're available and tell you what shows have tix."

Mr. Customer: "How long will that take?"

Tix Lady: "Well...if you want one show per day for 36 days, it'll take time."  
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Mrs. Customer: 'My sista is at the thee-a-der. They told her to call you because Bette Needler is not in the HELLO DOLLY PARTON or whadd ever. She wants her money back."

Tix Lady: "Can she call us directly?"

Mrs. Customer: "No. She's scared."

Tix Lady: "Of what?"

Mrs. Customer: "Well. Her son buyed the tickets fan hah. Her dander is on a cruise to Hawaii for her anniversary so she don't have any information."

Tix Lady: "Do you have a confirmation #?"

Mrs. Customer: ' Hold on. I'll ask"

Tix Lady hears blah blah babble babble

Mrs. Customer: " I'm back. No"

Tix Lady: "If she's holding the tix can she give you the bar code? It begins with a nine"

Mrs. Customer: " K K Hold on. I'll ask"

( More far away babble)

Mrs. Customer: "Got it. Ready?"

Tix Lady: "Yes" 

Mrs. Customer: " 9-5-3-4- blah blah"

Tix Lady: "Found it. So who is Marietta?"

Mrs. Customer: "Her dawder who is on a cruise to Hawaii for her anniversary."

Tix Lady: "Who is Chris?"

Mrs. Customer: "Well. That's her son and he married Marietta but Marietta wanted to keep her same last name. My sister still considers her a dawder."

Tix Lady: "That's nice."

#somuchforabriefcall
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Mr. Customer: "I want a refund for EVEN HANSEN because Ben Platter is out of the show and he is the star."

Tix Lady: "OK So that;s DEAR EVAN HANSEN and the Ben PLATT is on vacation."  

Tix Lady understands that you want a refund for not seeing the star you don't know the name of in the show you can't pronounce. Alrighty, then.

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Mrs. Customer: " I heard I could go to the box office for B-U--Tee-Ful and get tickets on the day of the show for cheap.  So is that a lie?"

Tix Lady: 'No. It's true. If you go to the box office when it opens at 10 a.m., the same day as the show you want to see, they have $40 rush tickets. Just ask for rush tickets and you can purchase 2 per person."

Mrs. Customer: "AND what if I need three?"

Tix Lady: 'You'd have to bring another person with you.'

Mrs. Customer" " WAIT. I HAVE to go at 10?"

Tix Lady: "It's best to be there when the box office opens to be sure those rush tickets won't be sold out."

Mrs. Customer: ' SO give me their #"

Tix Lady: " They box office #'s are not given to the general public. You have to go in person for those tickets."

Mrs. Customer: " Can I get them now over the phone?"

Tix Lady: " No. Sorry."

Mrs. Customer:  "How can I find out information?"

Tix Lady: "You call me"

Mrs. Customer: "I just did."

Tix Lady: "Yes. You did!"

Mrs. Customer: "Where IS that post office?" 
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Tix Lady: "That performance is at 10 p.m."

Mrs. Customer: " O.K. I'll make my idiot husband stay up late."
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Mrs. Customer:  "What is the name of my tickets?"

Tix Lady:  "Fred and Ethel"

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Tix Lady: "What show would you like to see?"

Mr. Customer: "Oh. Um. AH??  Shit"

Tix Lady: "We have no show by THAT name."
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Mrs. Customer: "Yep. It's true.  My last name is BAGEL. BECAUSE I MARRIED A BAGEL!"
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Tix Lady: "What date would you like to go?"

Ms. Customer: "Maybe next no not next week..OH Sorry. I was just talking to myself."

Tix Lady: "Sorry to interrupt. What date would you like to see the show?"
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Tix Lady: 'And the name as it appears no your card?'

Mrs. Customer: 'Elizabeth Elva Warren'   ( Changed a smidge to protect identity) 

Tix Lady: '...& your email address?'

Mrs. Customer: 'My full name...in small caps'

(Tix Lady begins to type Elizabeth Elva)

Mrs. Customer: 'Beth Warren'
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Mrs. Eastside: 'Tell me. What is the width of the seats in the Vivian Beaumont Theatre?'
 
Tix Lady: 'I don't know. IF you call when the box office is open we will call the theatre & ask.'

Mrs. Eastside: 'My husband is rather large. I want him to be comfortable.'

(She has been Lincoln Center Member since 2004. So either she never took that husband or has measured his ass to be sure he'll fit where ever they go!)
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Mrs. Customer: 'I want to be close to the little foxes  '

TixLady: 'THE LITTLE FOXES'. ' I have 2nd row center.'

Mrs. Customer: 'Is that too close?'

Tix Lady: ' I have 7th row'

Mrs. Customer: 'I don't know. You pick!'

Tix Lady: 'I cannot do that. You have good choices!'

Mrs. Customer: ' We went to the ballet last night & I couldn't see. Maybe it's because there was a big, tall man in front of me.'
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Ms. Customer: 'Let me spell out that address for you. It's  27 North 127th Ave. You can just write an N that would be for North!' '

* ***********************************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Excuse me one moment.  Mae? Mae? Stop crying. Mommy is on the phone now. When I am finished I can fish that out of the toilet."
*************************************************************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "My grandmothers' name was Gertrude. I never met her. You don't hear the name much now. I have her picture on my piano"

Gertrude: " MY grandmothers' name was Gertrude and I was named for her. She died when my father was three. I have a photo of her on my piano, too!!  I think our grandmothers meant for us to speak on Mothers' Day"

The Gertrude connection
************************************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I like to be in the center of the front mezzanine because I am short."

Tix Lady: "I have 2nd row in he front mezzanine in the center."

Mrs. Customer: "What do you have in the orchestra?"


* ***********************************************************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "I want to go see dear what's his name?"

DEAR EVAN HANSEN 

**************************************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Wait. No tix for HELLO DOLLY till September ! What the heck? Jeepers Creepers!

**************************************************************************************************************************
Concierge: 'SO The  Sheik Of Bahrain does not want to carry his passport for id . Can he just bring his credit card? He has the order #. '

LISTEN up EAst SIde  matinee ladies... The Sheik of BAHrain has HIs order # 
*************************************************************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: "This is NOT the Longbranch Theatre?"

Tix Lady: "Um. No. this is Tixcharge. We handle the calls for many theatre.  Do you mean The Longacre?"

Ms. Customer: " I guess.  Is it open."

Tix Lady: "Not yet. The box office opens at noon"

Ms. Customer: "So. The show is at noon?"

Tix Lady: "NO. The show is at 3. The box office opens at noon."

Ms. Customer:  "What do you mean?"

Tix Lady: "By what?"

Ms. Customer: " I don't know what a box office is."

Tix Lady: "It's the window inside the lobby where they sell the tickets."

Ms. Customer: "What you got?"

Tix Lady: "Do you mean what seats are available for todays' matinee?"

Ms. Customer: "What is a mar en A?"

Tix Lady: "It's the show that takes place in the afternoon. this show has only one show on Sunday at 3 ."

Ms. Customer: "Oh."

Tix Lady: ' I have orchestra seats...the first level & those are $149. I have mezzanine seats at $120. & $99. But there are no balcony seats available today."

Ms. Customer: "What is a balcony?"


Sometimes Tix lady wishes some  people wore glue instead of lipstick.  
****************************************************************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "We want the closest and the best seats"

Tix Lady: "I have forth row Orchestra in the center.''

Mr. Customer: "Is that too close?  Will we get a crick in our neck?"

Tix Lady: "I suppose it depends on the size."

Mr. Customer: "Of the stage?"

Tix Lady: "Of your neck"   

****************************************************************************************************************************
Tix Lady: " So this is St. Lukes Theatre.  I have two tickets in the orchestra ..."

Mrs. Customer: "NO. NOT the Orchestra.  This is in a church basement!"   
****************************************************************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "Last name is Bogossian. B for baby, O for Ocean, G for Golf, O for Ocean, two S's for Sugar..."

Mr. Customer: "NO! S for Sam  S for Sam"

****************************************************************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "So...It is 4/15 today.  You bought tix in Feb. for  a show that you were to attend on March 15th.  You missed the performance.  The show closed. But you are calling 2 months later to say you meant to purchase tix for a different show in a different theatre for tonight."

Mr. Customer: " We just looked at the tix now!  Can we get our $ back?"
*****************************************************************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "...and your email address?"

Juan:  "J-u-a-n-d-e-r-f-u-l-@_-_-.com
 ***
**********************************************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Ya know, THAT Shubert Theatre in Boston has more steps than Carter had liver pills?"

***********************************************************************************************************************************
Tix Lady: " The first time I have tickets for HELLO DOLLY is not until Wednesday matinee' December 20th"

Mr. Customer: "Is THAT a Saturday?"

Tix Lady: " No. The Wednesday matinee' is on Wednesday"
                           
*********************************************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: " I really have to go soon.  I have a 1/2 hour before we have to leave for the city.  But I have to feed the cat and clean the litter and put on a blouse."
                             
********************************************************************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "How would you like your tickets? Email, held at the theatre or mailed regular mail?"

Mrs. Customer: "I don't know.  I JUST don't know!!  OMG What do most people do?"

( There is no reason to panic!)
***********************************************************************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: 'How can I print my tix and where do I put my password and how do I redeem my Amex points and what do my 'audience rewards' points get me and how can I find a seat map?"

My favorite thing about this call was her email address than ended in 'cornell.edu'  
**********************************************************************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "Do you have any tickets for Jitney at all for any of the last three performances?"

Tix Lady: " I'm so sorry.  I don't even have one seat left for the run"

Mr. Customer:  "Well.  I want to thank you very much"

Tix Lady: " You do?  Why?"

Mr. Customer: "You just saved me hundreds of dollars!"

*******************************************************************************

Tix Lady: "And the name as it appears on the card"

Ms. Customer: "Alka. Spelled A-L-K-A"   long pause

Tix Lady: "...and the last name"

No it was NOT Seltzer and I didn't make a joke.  O.K. So I thought about it 
**************************************************************************

Tix Lady: "...and may I have the expiration date"

Mrs. Customer: "Mine?"


*****************************************************************************
Chatty: "I go to NY a lot and I know all the theatre intimately. You really don't HAVE to tell me all that stuff about the location of my seat because I know that.  Do you want my email address again...Did you get it????  It is kgSINGS@blahblah.com"

Tix Lady:  "Yes. I got it and I repeated it" (3 times. I felt she expected me to ask her about the 'sing' part but we're recorded & I can only muster a certain amount of 'friendly' besides I've been there & am surrounded by talented co workers & live in a building for performers)

Chatty: "So it's kgSINGS@blahblah.com  Sings as in singer"

Tix Lady: "Yes. I got it  (and I spelled it back again) and is there anything else I can help you with?"

Chatty: "NOOOOO"    (I could hear she was clearly upset that I would not address the 'singer' part of her email. )

Tix Lady: "Well.  Thank you for calling Tix and enjoy the show. Bye now"

(I have to wait for the caller to hang up and before she did...in a very breathy whisper...she said....)

Chatty:  "Bitch"

This kind of stuff makes my day!

*****************************************************************************
Mrs. Goldberg: "What time is the Sunday matinee' for Miss Saigon?"

Tix Lady: "Miss Saigon doesn't have a matinee' on Sunday on Wednesday and Saturday."

Mrs. Goldberg: "BUT my daughter bought tickets and called me and told me she had tix for this Sunday!"

Tix Lady: "I can look up her order by her phone # or her name."

Mrs. Goldberg: "Her phone # is 917-6...OMG I am having a senior fart moment"

Tix Lady: "Well...Did she say the date when she called?"

Mrs. Goldberg: "She said, 'MOM I have tickets for this Sunday the 18th for the matinee'"

Tix Lady: "This SATURDAY is the 18th"

Mrs. Goldberg: "OWWWW! My daughter is not ever in her right mind!!!"
***************************************************************************

Ms. Customer: "I have a discount for sweat"

We have to pay for that now??  Actually it IS the name of a show at Studio 54 NYC.  It was just my first call of the day and my first laugh.
**************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  " I want two center orchestra seats for March 25th at 8 pm for Sunday in the Park with George'.

Tix Lady: " It's sold out for the run except ONE date.  4/19 Wed @ 2 p.m.  I have two balcony seats.  They are split one in row B and one in row C"

Mrs. Customer: "WHAT?'

TIX LADY: REPEATS

Mrs. Customer:  "What do you mean?  You have nothing left at all?"

Tix Lady: " I'm sorry.  ONLY one date is left with seats that are not together on 4/19."

Mrs. Customer: " You mean you have nothing??? What is sold out?"

Tix Lady: "You know.  All the seats are sold ALL of them for all dates except ONE and that's 4/19 at 2 p.m.  So the show is completely, utterly, sold out with no seats AT ALL except this one date when I only have single seats in the balcony!!! Can you go on 4/19?"

Mrs. Customer:  'What about 4/3???"

 
***************************************************************************

Her billing address is on Grove Isle.  I spelled it "aisle" because I am a professional.
****************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "Hi.  I'm sorry I am so drunk right now.  I want to go to a show!"

Tix Lady:  "Why don't you just go to bed instead and see a show when you're not drunk?"

Mr. Customer: "That is a good idea!"

Tix Lady:  "I know!"
*****************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: Thank you So much for being So nice."

Tix Lady: "Thanx for saying that.  I'm NOT nice except here because they pay me!"

Mrs. Customer: " OH WHEW!  You made me laugh and it feels so great! I am getting over three months of shingles! It's the first time I have felt better!  Whoa!  Guess I need to laugh more!"  

Tix Lady:  " O.K. Call me tomorrow!"

****************************************************************************

Over heard in the theatre

Mrs. Customer: "S'cuse me.  Usher? Is that an exit??  Hellllllooooo  IS THAT an exit?"

Tix Lady turns to see a red exit sign

Usher: "Yes"

Mrs. Customer: "Is is an exit to go out?"   

***********************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: "SO. They only sell standing room when they are sold out?"

Tix Lady: "Yes."

Mrs. Customer: "Are there seats for standing room?"
****************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "...So that's two dozen chicken breasts, dozen pigs feet...pickled...Hello?? SORRY.   I'm at work!"

There are worse jobs!
*******************************************************************************
Mr Customer:  "I can't come to the show.  I am sitting in an ice cream in New Jersey!"

I think he meant ice storm  but ice cream sounds like fun!
********************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "Just a reminder that late comers are not admitted so everyone must be on time for this show."

Ms. Customer: "Well.  That's a bummerdude"


One word.  Bummerdude.  She didn't say, " That's a bummer, Dude."   Besides I'm not a Dude.

********************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "So.  I pick up the tickets at the Box Office before the show?"

Tix Lady thinks that's a good idea. No point in picking them up after the show? 
********************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: "You need to tell your people that your website is horrid. I AM VERY SAVVY."

Tix Lady: " I'm sorry but they would certainly welcome your feed back. I can give you an email address to tell them your views"

Mrs. Customer: "I DO NOT DO EMAIL.  I write for a living, my dear!"

So. People forget that their info is there.  I looked her up. She writes, alright!  She wrote for a cigar magazine once and wrote a small book about a faded actor now selling for $3.50 on line! 
****************************************************************************


Mr. Customer: "SO WHAT THE HELL.  I still haven't got my damned e tix. What the hell???   How are you sending them? Carrier Pigeon?"

Tix Lady: 'No. Email.  I think that's still faster.'

***************************************************************************


Mrs. Customer: "My email address is: brendainthebathroom@blah.net"

Name and ip address changed to protect the innocent customer.  I didn't hear a flush thank goodness!!!

***************************************************************************

Ms. Customer: "So. Like. I'm trying to use my Amex points to buy tix for some show. BUT your stupid website won't take my card.  Is it because my card is maxed out?"

Tix Lady: " Well.  American Express needs to charge your card first and if you have enough points to cover the cost then they debit your points and put the funds back on your card.  So you really can't buy anything with a maxed out card. "

Ms. Customer: "BUT I WANTED SIX TICKETS!  OMG That is so stupid!"

***************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  " Hi. We're old, my husband and I. We decided we could do smarter things than drag our old asses out in the snow storm just to see a show today."

I loved her.
***************************************************************************

Tix Lady: 'And so that is six tickets for the Gazillion Bubble show for..."

'Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy'

Mrs. Customer: "Can you hold a moment? My son is trying to tell me something!"

Tix Lady: "Of course."

Young Voice: "Mommy!  I think the snots in my nose froze!"
************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I got my receipt in my email but is this my ticket?"

Tix Lady: "No. That's your receipt. E tickets should follow. Are you mindy Sherer?"

Mrs. Customer: " HOW did you know that?"

Tix Lady: "This is the psychic ticket hotline... Just kidding!  Your name came up with your phone #."

Mrs.. Customer:  "OH MY GAWD !!!! You had be grabbing my left breast right now!"


**************************************************************************
email changed slightly to protect my innocent customer

Mrs. Customer:  'My Email is my first initial S for Shirley and my last name Hitler at Ymail dot com.

Tix Lady: 'So we'll send your e tix to... shitler@yamail.com'

(I said it. shitler. )

****************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "This is Tix. What show would you like to see?"

Mrs. Customer: 'BEAUTIFUL" because I AM."
****************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "CAN WE Hurry this up??  I have been on your f--k--g Website all morning and I just want to order these damn tickets.  I am on my way to church!!"

Tix Lady: "I'll help as fast as I can. Wait...is that your dog?"

Mrs. Customer: " AWWW Can you hear him? He is my little pooky wookie. We need a matinee' so we can come home to him. We have a sitter when we go on vacation who stays with him because we don't want him to be out of our house.  I just wuv my sweetie...lovey baby boy!"

She forgot all about church!
******************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "You ONLY have on stage seating?  You have nothing better ?

Tix Lady: "Do you want lines?"

****************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Did anyone ever tell you that you are peaches and cream?"

Tix Lady: "NEVER!"
***************************************************************************

Ms. Customer : " Yes. That IS my email address. WHAT TO WEAR WHERE@blahblah. com"

  I made up the blahblah.com to protect the innocent Customer but that WAS her clever email address.
*****************************************************************************
Mrs. High Pitched Whiney Voice: 

"YOU have a tone. Just because I want the tix under my name and not my husbands and because I forgot to give you a stupid code...does not mean you have to have a mean tone!"

Tix Lady: "Sorry.  It's 8 a.m. and I have a low voice anyway. I didn't mean to have a tone.  It's my voice in the morning.  I am so sorry"

Mrs. Whiney: "OH BOOOO Just a minute.  Now I am all flustered.  Give me a moment to recover...sniff"

She NEEDS A MOMENT to recover when I'm the one talking to the lolli pop dipped in psycho!!
*****************************************************************************
Tix Lady: " We also partner with restaurants. Would you like to hear more about that."

Mrs. Customer: "Really you party with them?"
*****************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: "And my expiration date is 9 blackslash 22."

I sure hope that is not HER expiration date and no one ever actually said 'back slash!  LOL"
****************************************************************************

Mr. Customer: "Testing. I had a charge on my bill from you."
*****************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Do you have NOT TOO JEWISH & VERTIGO?"

Tix Lady: " Yes. We do handle NOT THAT JEWISH & VERSO."

*****************************************************************************

Mr. Customer: "We are on a budget and I'm just wondering when we go to see MATILDA, how much is the pop corn?'

(When I was about 11 our class went to see SKYSCRAPER on B'way at The Lunt Fontanne Theatre. We were given instructions. We must be quiet because there are live performers on stage and we must not disturb those around us who are watching.  There is no eating during the show because it is not a movie.  WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?"
*****************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "So.  Just repeating your email address. "Holly-Adams@wiki.net. (spelling back)  So H-O-L-L-Y hyphen A-D-A-M-S @blah.net

Ms. Customer: "So 'hyphen'??  Is that a technical name for dash?


*******************************************************************************


Tix Lady: "I'm sorry but your credit card company says this is not the billing address. Could there be another address on file with Visa?"

Mr. Customer: "Duh. No. It's my parents address on Barrow Street & it's the only one...except I live in Brooklyn but I'm sure it's their address. Like it's a really well known address in the Village."

Tix Lady:  "O.K. Well...what we can do is hold your ticket at the theatre and they just show photo id when you pick it up the night of the show."

Mr. Customer: "Well.  Duh.  My license is expired. Is that o.k.?"

Tix Lady:  "The show you're seeing is not until December 10th. Maybe you'll have time to renew by then."

(Resisting the urge to repeat, "WELL. DUH")

*****************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: "Well.  Thank you so much.  You've made this easy and you were wonderful."

Tix Lady: "Well. Enjoy the show and thank you for calling Theatre Tix."

Mrs. Customer: "Wait. Wait. Wait.   I mean. Do you want to go with us?  We can get an extra ticket and we have a hotel room in the city that night.  You can sleep over."

Tix Lady: " Um. Oh Gosh....Thank you but I live in the City and I appreciate the offer but...um...er...."

Mrs. Customer: "Oh.  Sorry.  My son is in the back seat and he's decided to go with us.  Can we get an extra ticket for him?"

Tix Lady: " Whew.  I thought you were speaking to me. 

Mrs. Customer: "Well. No. He was listening & decided to come.  Oh my goodness. Sorry for the misunderstanding!"

Tix Lady:  "Well.  I've had many invitations in my time but no customer ever invited me to spend the night."

****************************************************************************


Mrs. Customer: " I used to do this before but then my husband had a stroke and I have been forth and back back and forth. I want tix for MATILDA but my discount offer is for 'SCHOOL OF ROCK.  So.  Can I use it for MATILDA?

Tix Lady: " No. It has to be used for the same show on the offer.  "


Mrs. Customers: "Well.  I don't want frigging SCHOOL OF ROCK.  Don't they have 'accomodates' for people who need cheap seats but can't hike themselves up to the balcony ?"

Tix Lady: "Yes. We have mobility seating for two people only, in the orchestra.  If he can't use the steps the tix are made available for anyone with that issue.  There are no steps and they're $39."

Mrs. Customer: "Only two?  But my grandchildren are in the balcony and then I can't see their little wit-till faces when they watch the show."

*****************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: " Let me spell that for you G-O-T-T-E-S-F-E-L-D.  I couldn't have married a SMITH, right?"
 
*****************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: " Can you help me.? I ordered the wrong date."

Tix Lady:  " O.K. I see you have two tickets for THE HUMANS tonight at 8 p.m. and they were ordered four months ago?"

Mr. Customer:  "Yes. Sorry.  I have five  kids."


***************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: 'We wanna go see HELL NO DOLLY''

***************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Do they have booster seats in that theatre?'

Tix Lady: " NO.  It's not a children's show."

Mrs. Customer: "But I'm short and there is always a big fat man right in front of me."
**************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "YOU people NEVER sent me my tickets!  I have six tickets for BEAUTIFUL tomorrow and I bought them in May AND I also bought the parking. What are you gonna do about this?"

Tix Lady: "I'm sorry. Do you have an order #? If not I can find you by a phone # or your name."

Mrs. Customer: "No. I don't have my &^%$##* order #.  My phone # is 818-222-****"

Tix Lady:  "We're holding your tix at the Box Office. Who ever placed this order on line requested that.  So you DO have six tickets for BEAUTIFUL tomorrows matinee plus Icon Parking Times Sq. in NYC.  Just bring your credit card and proof of id."

Mrs. Customer: "Wait. NYC?"

Tix Lady: "Yes."

Mrs. Customer:  " I live in San Francisco. I am not coming to NYC."

She was lucky.  The Theatre refunded her.  But really...You ordered the tix in May (4 MONTHS AGO)  on line' AND you ordered parking. The parking says. 'Time Sq Parking" The shows lists the Stephen Sondheim Theatre in NYC W 43rd St. You clicked the HELD AT BOX OFFICE feature and you are calling the day before the show after you ordered the tix yourself on line for the wrong city. WOW
*************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Can you check how many American Express points I have?'

Tix Lady: " No.  It's on your statement."

Mrs. Customer: " You mean I have to know that?????????
**************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "And would you like the your confirmation #? "

Mrs. Customer: "You mean for my tickets?"

Tix Lady:  "No.  The refrigerator you just bought."

I think that is the 2nd time I ever said that.  I love that response, myself.
*******************************************************************************

Ms. Customer: "Hi. I'm from Arizona. We just got in and we're coming from the Roosevelt Hotel. Our flight was delayed. So can I change my tix from the 2 p.m. show to the 8 pm show?'

The show begins at 2 and she called at 1:57.  That is 3 minutes before show time.  The answer is NO. 

*************************************************************************
Tix Lady: 'The show is 90 minutes long. There is no intermission.  If you're late they won't allow you in for this performance."

Mr. Customer: "What? What does that mean?"

Tix Lady: " It means you have to be on time or they won't let you in."

Mr. Customer: "Is that for everybody?"

Oh No.  Just you. 
******************************************************************************

Ms. Customer: "Do I HAVE to have id to get into the theatre?  I lost it !"

Tix Lady: "Are you picking your tix up at the box office/"

Ms Customer: "No.  I printed e tix"

Tix Lady: "You just show the paper with the e tix to the ticket taker and go in.  You won't need id for that."

Ms. Customer: "Oh. Good.  I thought id was important."

(Nope. No one wants to know who you are)
****************************************************************************
Mr. Customer:  "Miss Saigon?"

Tix Lady:   "No. This is Jeanie. OH.  The show Miss Saigon! It starts in March.  When would you like to go? "

Mr. Customer: "Two tix. Any time in March."

Tix Lady: " I have March 1st. Third row center orchestra at $155. each"

Mr. Customer: "No. I hate hate hate going to the City.   You have a matinee'?"

Tix Lady: "Yes. March 3rd Saturday is that a good date."

Mr. Customer: 'OK"

Tix Lady: "Would you like your tix by email?"

Mr. Customer: "I don't know. My wife knows. She's sleeping. I'll go get her email address. Hold on."

WAITING WAITING WAITING....

Mr. Customer: "It's her name, Nancy64 the at sign at gmail dot com."

Tix lady: "That's Nancy. N-A-N-C-Y 64"

Mr. Customer: 'NO NO NO. N-A-N-C-E-E"

In my mind I've killed him three times.  Wifes' email changed a smidge to protect her.  I can do that.  I can't help her choose a different spouse.

*************************************************************************

Tix Lady: "It's 9 a.m. and why do I feel like a glass of wine?  Oh!! My last customers name is SHERRY PORT!"

****************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "The address of the theatre is 124 W 43rd St and it's between 6th Ave and B'way"

Mrs. Customer: "So it's 124 W 34th St. O.k. Bye"

Tix Lady: "WAIT!!!!  NO! It's 124 West FORTY THIRD STREET!! NOT 34TH STREET!"

Mrs. Customer: "I'm dyslexic"

Listening dyslexia?  Common problem
******************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: "I really wanted to see the actress from CASTLE who is in White Rabbit.  Stana Katic. I went on Craigs list & spent $800 for one ticket.   I talked to my husband about it. He's in the cemetery but I still talk to him.  I told him how happy she made me on that comedy show about murder.  I have had a bad year. I lost my husband, one cousin who produced that John Lennon album, Fantasy, two other cousins I didn't know too well, my brother.  ALL I wanted was to see Stana in that show.  When I came back from talking to my husband in  the cemetery, there was a message that I didn't really have a ticket and that Craigs List would put $ back on my Visa.  NOW..after all I've been through...the show is sold out. Why is God doing this to me???."

Tix Lady:  "Um.  I'm not sure.  Maybe God didn't really realize how much you wanted to see the show!"
*************************************************************************

Mr. Customer: "I spent too long on your website trying to order tickets for the Great Comet.  But thank you for being so nice and making it easy to order by phone.  I can't understand why it's so big a service charge, tho'. I mean WHAT IF THE SHOW SUCKS?"

Tix Lady:  "I guess it's kind of like when you give birth to someone. You don't know what it'll look like but you have to keep it."

Mr. Customer: " I like you"
***********************************************************************

Tix Lady: "So we''ll hold the tickets at the theatre under your name,  Catherine Hell ...HUH!!  Um  Um...I am SO sorry. I mispronounced your name...Catherine HULL."

Mrs. Customer: "You were probably thinking talking to me was hell."

Pretty much.
*************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: " I bought tix for the wrong date, can you save my marriage?"

************************************************************************
Tix Lady:  "We also offer exclusive arrangements with restaurants such as Sardis', Guy Ferrieri's American Kitchen, The Four Seasons'.."

Mrs. Customer: "NAH NO NO NO.  NO NO NO NO...

Tix Lady:   (sings) "Hey Hey...Good bye."
***********************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "Sooooo.  I have a question."
Tix Lady:  "Yes?"
Mr. Customer:  "Can I wear flip flops to Phantom?"

(Of Course. There is no class anymore! NO I didn't say that)
*************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: "DO you have any back seats?"

Tix Lady:  " Um....All the seats have backs on them."

Mrs. Customer: "No. Back. Back Seats!"

Tix Lady: " Oh. Well...That is the furthest I can get from the stage. 18th row center in the orchestra."

Mrs. Customer: "NO! NO!  You know. Back Seats. They are up in the air on the sides of the theatre and you look down on the stage. Like the Queen"

Tix Lady: "OH!!  Box. Box seats!!  I guess my New Yawk accent didn't quite understand your Boston one!!!"



Ms. Customer with the perky cheerleader high pitched voice:  So why are some seats more $ again?  Like because the closer you are the more $$ , right?'

Tix Lady: 'Yes!'
'

Ms. Perky: 'I git it.  Then the balcony is more money, right?'

Tix Lady: 'No. Balcony is the 3rd level. It's less money!'

Ms. Perky: 'OK. I want those.'

TixLady: 'Should we email the tix or hold them at the box office?'

Ms. Perky: 'Which is better?' 

Tix Lady: 'Which is better for YOU?'



****************************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer:  " I want to pick up my tix at the post office."  

Tix Lady wanted to say...""25 forever stamps & my tix for
Fiddler on the Roof"  
**************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: " How much are the tickets in the MAY ZAH LEEN again?"
***************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: " I know. I know.  I talk too much. I am interrupting you. O.K. Your turn.  I'm shushing. I'm shushing."
**************************************************************************
I spoke to Bill Moyers.  He was a great customer!!!  
**************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "Wait Wait Wait. My mother is calling. She is 96. It's probably about the remote. She gets confused and at this time she's watching THE VIEW. Can you hold on?

Tix Lady: "Of course'

Mr. Customer: "Mom? Hello? Mom? Mom? Hi Mom? Are you there???   She's gone.  Well...I don't mean literally 'gone' . I mean she hung up"

*************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "And the name on the American Express GOLD card is DR. Bill Max.  I have a question.  So I know 101 is an aisle seat but you said my seat is 114 on the aisle. How is 114 an aisle seat?"

Tix Lady: "There are 14 seats in the row. 101 is on one aisle and 114 is the seat on the other end of the row which is also an aisle. Wait...you're a Dr?"

Yes. Tix Lady did say it.  And for the record I never use real names.  But it's in my mind in case I need a Dr. I would not go to this one.
**************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "And the last name on the card?"

Mrs. Customer: " Witch. Like wicked"
*************************************************************************  Mrs. Customer: "I have a mortal fear of spam!"

My Dad could not eat string beans of spam after being in the war.  But I don't thing this lady meant the meat.
*************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "OMG I'm so glad to get a person. I don't remember if my tix are held at the box office or if you e-mailed them or mailed them and I just didn't get them!! Can you help me?"

Tix Lady: " Of course. What's your name?"

Mrs. Customer: " Mrs. Blank"

Perfect  
**************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "How many tix do you need?"

Mrs. Customer: " Well...My husband Bill, had an accident and he didn't make it. So now, I just need one ticket."

  Poor Bill

****************************************************************************
Tix Lady: 'All tickets are $89. I have center orchestra five rows from the stage. This theatre only has one level, the orchestra.'

Mrs. Customer: 'First of all, HOW much are the tickets.? AND there must be a mezzanine!' 

***************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: ' The person who answers the phone who put me through to you...you need to get someone who speaks English. He was terrible. I could not understand him. I mean this is America. Speak English.He was like Asian or something."

Tix Lady: "Oh. You must have spoken to  my co worker who speaks seven languages."

(We have a few coworkers who speak more than one language. She obviously needs to develop better listening skills. I mean this IS America.)
*************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "My husband only likes musicals. I went to one with him.  I want to go see this play. It's not a musical. "

Tix Lady: "How many tickets?"

Mrs. Customer: "2"

Tix Lady: "So. You takin' the boyfriend?"

Mrs. Customer: "HA HA HA HA HA. You're cute."

Tix Lady:  "O.K. I'll go with you."
*************************************************************************
"I want tix for the only actress I like of today. Cate Blankett."
**************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I just want to thank you for making this a fun conversation and for finding that aisle seat for me. I need an aisle because I like to know I can get out without disturbing others. I have stage four lung cancer."

Tix Lady: "OH. I am SO sorry."

Mrs. Customer: "I've had it for three years. They're doing so much now. Not like it was in the old days! I'm 69. I always let people know how much kindness means. It's important to let people know that. You've been kind and I thank you."   

WOW.  I can't stop thinking of Ms. Stapleton. I pass your words on every chance I get. Thank YOU
*************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "Having the Sika Virus must be more pleasant than dealing with your tix website.  It's like Atlas 1964!' 

***************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I want those premium seats I'm gonna treat myself. It's my birthday. I'm a Scorpio.  We're nice.  22 years in Canada makes you nice. People are nice there. The medical is f'd up. Don't get me wrong. I'm nice but I still say F--- & S---. I'm from New Yawk.  OHHHH  Hello my little widdle doodle.  It's my widdle doggie.  
So my husband is a Cancer.  His parents were both Aquarian. Weird Weird Weird. I had to get away from them. I was gonna kill myself. I wrote notes. I made my husband swear on his precious camera equipment, that he'd move me back to New Yawk.  Now everything is o.k. I can go to MY Broadway".

I waited and then asked..."SO. When would you like to go?"  
*************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "SO. Your website is giving me the first row. I DON'T understand why you're saying you don't see first row."

Tix Lady: "I'm sorry. The closest I have center for today is row H. That's the 8th row. "

Mrs. Customer: "But I see the first row IS available. I want to be as close as possible. You can't see that? It's the closest row to me. I see S 109 and 110.

Tix Lady: "Wait. Did you say row S?"

Mrs. Customer: "Yes. It's the first row. The one closest to me on the map, I'm looking at."

Tix Lady:  "So. Um. Do you see the word, 'Stage'?

Mrs. Customer: "Yes."

Tix Lady: "So the row closest to the stage is row A and that is the first row in front of the stage. That's not available. I DO have row S but that's the last row."

Mrs. Customer:  'Oh'.

***************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "WHAT website am I looking at, exactly."

Tix Lady: "Um.  I'm not sure. I'm on the phone with you but I can't see what you're looking at! " 

(This was one of those, "I can explain it to you but I can't comprehend it for you" calls) 
***************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "If I go to the box office to buy my ticket will that seat still be there?"

Tix Lady: "The seat will be there.   (Ha Ha Ha but there might be another ass in it)   Of course by the time you get to the box office, it might be sold. You know, I wouldn't know if that seat will still be  available by the time you get there."

Mrs. Customer: "You don't know if there's a pattern to it?"
***************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: "So, you're saying pick my tickets up at the 
box office like I know what that is."  
**************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: ""I'll give you my credit card # but you make sure you rip up my information.:

Tix Lady:  "Um. I don't have to rip up your info because I am on a computer."
***************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "I'm sorry about that show closing. We will credit your credit card for the full amount of $580.75."

Mr. Customer: "So.  Is that like a refund?"
***************************************************************************

Mr. Customer: "I need to know the running time of BEAUTIFUL. My girl friend is busting my chops because she has something else to do after the show. I told her, she was gonna put me in the hospital from stress with all this s--t.  Ya can't just go and have a good time, she causes so much drama!"

Tix Lady:  "Take some one else."

Mr. Customer: "What's your number?"


**********************************************************************************

Ms. Customer: " I want 4 tix for 'Curious Dog Walk in the Park 'or whatever you call it on any Friday in June."

Tix Lady: "I have 4 tix for THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG IN THE NIGHT TIME, on Friday June 3rd, center orchestra in the 8th row."

Ms. Customer: "Nah.  That's not good." 

Tix Lady: "Would you like mezzanine?"

Ms. Customer: "NO. THAT date is NOT good."

Tix Lady: " O.K. I have four tix in the center orchestra for the next Friday, 6/10."

Ms. Customer: " NO. That date is NOT good."

I heard 'ANY Friday in June'.  What I 'heard' is not what she meant."

************************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: "I WANT prices for  'Fiddler on the Roof' and 'Less Fuzz".

Tix Lady: "You mean Les Miz or Les Miserables at the Imperial Theatre?"

Mrs. Customer: " What ever."

***************************************************************************
Mrs. East Side: "Those seats are crap.  Tell me where they are again."

Tix Lady: 'The're both a little to the right of Center.  Both two seats from the aisle across from center. One in Row E seat #4, the fifth row. One in row H, the 8th row, the same seat # 8.

Mrs. Customer: "Which one is closer?"

Tix Lady:  "Um. Row E, the fifth row is closer than the 8th row."

And...I said it with a smile in my voice and a tiny smirk on my face.
***************************************************************************
Two Co workers shared their conversations!

Tix Man, Tom: "You have three choices. You can get your tix on line or over the phone or in person at the box office."

Mrs. Customer: "By 'in person at the box office', would I have to go there?"

Yes, Ladies and gentlemen, they breed and the vote!
AND...

Tix Lady, Tracey: 'Yes. The service charge is $9.50 per ticket."

Mrs. Customer: "Well.  You can just take the service charge and shove it right in the Presidents' mouth!"

She blamed our President for the service charge. I was, frankly, relieved she said, "mouth'.
**************************************************************************

Tix Lady: "... and the name on your credit card?"

Mrs. Customer:  "Wait. Wait.  I JUST put it away!"

( How many names were on her credit card?"
**************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I want tix for BRIGHT STAR. Edie Brickell's mother is my good friend."

Tix Lady: "That's nice. When would you like to go?"

Mrs. Customer: "Oh MY GOODY Goodness. My itinerary is IN my phone so I have NO idea when I can go.  I'll have to call you back in an eensie weensie."

***************************************************************************
(Customer put through to me from my New Yawk taw kin' supervisor)

Mrs. Customer:  "Hee HEE Hee.  I'm from California.  Your accents make me all excited for my trip."

Tix Lady: " I have not said a word yet.  (trying my standard British accent) What accent do you assume I have and what's your email address?"

Mrs. Customer: "Um. You're NOT from New York"

Tix Lady: "I am NOW. What's your email address?"

Mrs. Customer: "It's iamaknowitall@blahblah.com. So... 
                         Where are you from then?

Tix Lady: "You're all set. You'll should see a new pass word right now.... Hong Kong."

****************************************************************************

It's not all fun and games. Once in a while I feel I should throw in a verbal abuse call. 

Mr. Customer:  "YOU don't know how to DO your job. YOU kept me waiting.  YOU should have told me HOW long I had to wait. You're an idiot. YOU have no business doing that job if you can't do it right. Let ME tell you, YOU should have come back on the line to tell me HOW long I'd have to wait. That's how to do YOUR job. "

Tix Lady: "I'm sorry.  I couldn't. I was working with a supervisor to get the tickets you tried to purchase. The order was declined twice because there were  two different expiration dates entered on line for the same credit card. I have the seats you wanted now.  Sorry it took me so long.  I really apologize that you had to wait. Is there another credit card you'd like to use."

Mr. Customer:  "It's (saying it super fast) 37682225555555 You got that?"

Tix Lady: "Thank you. AND your e-mail address"

Mr. Customer: "RabbiJerome@Epstein.com"

(A man of God. A mean, unhappy, man hiding behind Rabbi status, who tells me I have no business being a Tix Lady. He really has no business being on the internet since he entered information incorrectly three times and tried to blame someone else, namely me!!!  But I didn't say that. I remained the girl with the smile in her voice.)

*************************************************************************

Mr. Customer: "This will be hard. I have lots of discount offers. I want an aisle on 6/4. One ticket"

Tix Lady: "What's the first code you have for a discount?"

Mr. Customer: 'TF2222'   (This is of course for publication is NOT the real discount code!)

Tix Lady:  "So that's for THE FATHER, at the Friedman Theatre."

Mr. Customer:  "HOW did YOU know that?"

Tix Lady:  "This is the psychic ticket hot line. I have one ticket on the aisle O 101."

Mr. Customer: " I HAVE to sit there because it's the number I play all the time. Wow. You're good!"

***************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I want to see,  'Curious Full House Committed'  in New York."

Tix Lady: "Do you mean, CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG IN THE NIGHT TIME? or FULLY COMMITTED or FUN HOME or all three?"

Mrs. Customer: 'What?"


*************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Hello. Do you work on the phone?"

(You cannot make this stuff up!!  Do you know who you called?)
***************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I have tix for June. The News, The Post, and the Times reported that my show is closing on 5/29. Will I get a refund? "

Tix Lady: "Certainly. Is there another show, I can help you with for that date."

RING RING RING RING RING RING RING 

Tix Lady: "Will you hold for just a moment. My manager is calling me?"

Mrs. Customer: " Of course."

Tix Lady:  "Hello?"

TIX MANAGER:  "DO NOT QUOTE THAT THE SHOW IS CLOSING.  WE HAVE NO OFFICIAL WORD."

Tix Lady:  "It was in three News Papers and on NY ONE this a.m. AND our line event guide, will not allow me to sell tix past 5/29."

Tix Manager: "As I said, until we get the 'official word', you are not to quote the show is closing."

Yes, boys and girls, this is exactly how it is.  Nothing makes sense in the world of tix.  For your information, I had to retract what I said to my customer and give her the 'official word' saga.  AND so, the customer had to call back later that day to ask again about her refund. AND after leaving an 'not getting the official word' voice mail, our manager had to leave another voice mail 15 minutes later, saying he got the official word!!'

********************************************************************************  

Mr. Customer: 'My email address is b-O-O-m-m-E-m-a-n-@ ymail.net.  The story behind that is ...I come from an extremely flatulant family & we called our farts,  boomies.  I was the best! Still am!'

Tix Lady: ' Thank you for sharing!' 

*****************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "By 'center', you mean the middle, right?

Tix Lady:  " Yes. By center I mean the middle". 

Mrs. Customer: "Whoops, wait a sec. I have a drip coming down my forehead.  I'm in the middle of dying my hair!"

Tix Lady:  "By middle...you mean the center of dying your hair?"  
*********************************************************************************
Mr. British Customer: "You feel rather like a goon when you order the wrong date, all by yourself!" 
***********************************************************************************
Mr. Priveleged: 'I won the digital lottery . I got an e-mail saying I have to pick up my tix 90 minutes before the show. BUT I'm having brunch right now!  Do I HAVE to leave my brunch just to get that ticket? Can't I just pay YOU now?'

Tix Lady: 'We don't sell those . I can sell you a full price tickets!  But since you signed up for the lottery by 11 am to save $ for the matinee' - they have that rule. '

🚕🚕🚖 
    YOU WON GET THERE !! 🚍

*******************************************************************************
Mr. Customer:  "So. My dear. This is about a product. If I come to the theatre, can I get more of their magic liquid?"

Tix Lady: "I beg your pardon?"

Mr. Customer: "They sell magic liquid."

Tix Lady:  "WHAT show are you talking about?"

Mr. Customer:  "Gazillion Bubble"

Whew!  Tix Lady is relieved
********************************************************************************

Tix Lady: ..." We also offer exclusive arrangements with restaurants, such as..."

Mr. Customer: " No. Thanx.  We walk around and I let her decide.  She likes sea food.  I like prime rib. But in the end, it's up to her.  I just say o.k. to what she wants. I have to keep her happy.  If she's happy her mouth runs less."



Tix Lady: "Well. I have your #.  I might call her back and tell her what you said!"

Mr. Customer: "She would LOVE that.  Her name is Sheila."
**************************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: "I want to be close"

Tix Lady:  "I have row B seat # 106"

Mrs. Customer: "That's TOO close"

Tix Lady:  : " I have row E seat # 108"

Mrs. Customer: "That's too far.  Can I check June 16th?"

Tix Lady: " On June 16th at 3 p.m. I have row E seat # 110"

Mrs. Customer: "That's good. I'll take that."



**************************************************************************************
Tix Lady: ..."And so that's four tix for Sunday June 12th at 2 p.m."

Mrs. Customer: "No. It's at 2 p.m."

Tix Lady:  " Actually, THAT particular Sunday the show is at 2 p.m."

Mrs. Customer: "WHY?'

Tix Lady: "We're not told why. We just have the list of dates and times"

Mrs. Customer: "Are you sure?"

Tix Lady: "Yes"

Mrs. Customer" "Who are you?"

Tix Lady: "Jeanie"

Mrs. Customer: "No, WHO are you REALLY?"

Tix Lady: "I really am Jeanie operator # 714"

Mrs. Customer: "BUT where are you?"

Tix Lady: "NYC"

Mrs. Customer: "How do I know you know what you're talking about?"

Tix Lady: "YOU called THE TIX Org. who owns many Broadway Theatres. I am on the same computer system with the theatre. If you were at the actual box office they would tell you on that day Fiddler begins at 2 p.m."

Mrs. Customer: "Are YoU sure?"

(Tix Lady needs a nap)

******************************************************************************************************
Tix Lady: 'And may I have the name as it appears on your card?"

Mr. Customer:  NOW. THAT is a GOOD question"
***********************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "So whadda I do?  You hold my tix at that box office and I have to pick them up before the show?"

NO. After the show would be best.  
************************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "What is the running time of SHUFFLE ALONG?"

Tix Lady: "Two Hours and fifty five minutes"

Mr. Customer: "And...how long is it on Saturday?"
**********************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: " I have seen FUN HOME twelve times. I am going twice next week.  I am going on Survival Day.  I call it that. It's the day I survived a very bad car accident. I do something really nice for myself on that day every year."

  This is a good thing
***********************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I want to see COLOR ME PURPLE'.

The show is THE COLOR PURPLE
************************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "Name on my credit card? Well, they used to call me MILLER THE DRILLER.  I was the official dentist for the NY Rangers!"
*************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Do you have tickets for that Oscar Winner, Mypita Mymango in, I forget the name of the show. It's about women from Hyberia?  And is there a teacher discount."

For the record the actress is Lupita Nyong'o. She is in the play, Eclipsed. It's about women in Liberia. I was afraid to ask what she taught!!!
******************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  'On December 13th I bought eight tickets for 'MATILDA' and I JUST looked at my tix! (3/28)  and the show is tomorrow and I'm in Michigan and these tickets say New York.  I wanted to see the show in Chicago!"

(EVEN tho' we say & the website says, final sale...NYC refunded this woman even tho' she sat on these tix for months and that could mean NYC show might be out EIGHT tix!) 
*****************************************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: " Mr. Gorrette and I are not young. He is 86 and I am 85. But steps are o.k. for us. Thank you for mentioning that."

Tix Lady: " Just a reminder that children under four are not permitted in the theatre."

Mrs. Gorrette:  "Honey. If I had a child under four, I'd be in the ENQUIRER."
*****************************************************************************************************
Mr. Customer:  "WHAT did you say?"

Tix Lady:          "Tix charge or Tele charge as in charge by                          telephone. We sell theatre tickets here"

Mr. Customer:    " Naw. That's not what I want.  You got                                the number for Tele-chick?

  Guess he didn't want what I had to sell.
*****************************************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: "So my discount offer is C like come. G like goose and D like dick"  

Tix Lady is blushing that her mind even went 'there'.  Tix lady decided she meant 'come' as in 'come on along', G - goose, the bird and the mans name short for Richard. 
*****************************************************************************************************
Mr. Customer:  "WOW. The service charge is $9.50 a ticket.  I think I'll just go to the box office. Wait. If I go there, the same tix might be gone. So if I buy now then I'm guaranteed the seats.  Damn.  How much do I save?"

Tix Lady:  "Service charge is $9.50 for each one. So $19. and then one overall handling fee of $2.75.  If you can get to the box office you save $21.75."

Mr. Customer:  "So. By the time you park or if you take the train...it ends up being more to come in to get them."

Tix Lady:  "Hence why the service charge was created."

Mr. Customer: " I doubt God created that. You work for the devil."
******************************************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "Hi. This is Father Tarrantino.  A friend in my parish gave me a gift to see the show BEAUTIFUL.  Nice, right? BUT the date is March 18th and I have to do THE STATIONS OF THE CROSS that day.  I can't go to the show then.  I don't know what he was thinking. I yelled at him and I'm not supposed to yell.  I'm a Priest for Christs' sake."
*****************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "What is TAPPIN' THROUGH LIFE ABOUT?"

Tix Lady:  "It's Maurice Hines. He was a tap dancer as a youngster with his father and his brother, Gregory Hines. They were called Hines, Hines and Dad. They appeared on lots of tv shows.  This show is a tribute to his brother, Lena Horne, Frank Sinatra. He has an all lady orchestra.  It features songs like TAKIN'  A CHANCE on LOVE'.'

Mrs. Customer: " Is it a musical?'
*********************************************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: "Can I call you agg en? 
                        My Fren?
                        I just gotta see what my Boo
                        Wanna do.'

Tix Lady appreciates poetry!
***********************************************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: "NOW.  I want one ticket.  AND I want to sit in the Orchestra. No, wait NOT in the orchestra because once, a man right in front of me had dandruff.  I could not concentrate through the whole show.  AND once a woman reeked, simply reeked of heavy perfume. I want to sit in the front mezzanine in the first row center but on the aisle. But then if I sit on the aisle people always come late. I hate that. AND at intermission  they have to tromp right over you & come back late."

Tix Lady: "You know the trouble with going to the theatre IS that there ARE other people in the audience." 

**********************************************************************************************************

Ms. Customer:  "So. Do those seats look at the stage?"

Tix Lady:   "No"

Ms. Customer:  'NO?  They DON'T look that the stage? AND WHY NOT???"

Tix Lady: "The seats have no eyes so they can't BUT you'll be able to see fine from there."

 
********************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "SO... I have a quick question.  Is a forward, a printout?"

Quick question. No quick answer!
**********************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer:  "I want to see 'MAKE A DATE'.

Tix Lady:   " I'm sorry.  I don't see that show here. Are you sure that's the name of it and is it playing in NYC?"

Mrs. Customer:  " Yes.  It says it right here on this e-mail.
MAKE A DATE."

Tix Lady:  " Would you mind reading me the e-mail?"

Mrs. Customer: "Make a date with Forest Whittaker to see Hughie by Eugene O'Neill at the Booth Theatre."   

Tix Lady:  "Oh.  So.  When would you like to make that date to see Forest Whittaker in HUGHIE at the Booth Theatre." 
*************************************************************************************
Tix Lady:  "And may I please have the number on your American Express card?"

Mrs. Customer:  "Well.  Are you in a secure area?"

Tix Lady:  "Yes. We're very secure here on Rikers Island"

( I did NOT say that.  My co worker, said it after I mentioned this caller.)
**************************************************************************************
Mr. Young Customer: ( to his wife)  "Honey, HONEY? The Tix place has restaurants. Wanna go have dinner at, well not the Russian Tea Room. Yuk. But there are other places. WHAT? Well...she read me some of the menu. Like. They have appetizers, spinach cannelloni, mootzeriella cheese and tomato, skewers of stuff and masculine salad."

You can't make this stuff up!

*****************************************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "I misplaced my tickets, I know, because I can't find them."
*****************************************************************************************************

Mr. Customer: "I'll be coming to the show from the airport. I just want to know if I can bring a small suitcase & if it will be subject to ejection."

(Good idea. I wish there was a way to eject all cell phone users the moment they take out the cells during a show)
******************************************************************************************************
There was a Customer who began to speak very abrasively. "I WANT this and I WANT that and it HAS to be this or that"  I took a lot of breaths during the call. I rarely get upset. I hope for something amusing to enjoy. I was going to name her Mrs. Grouchy for the blog. But at the end of the call, she said this.

Mrs. Customer: "O.K. then. Before we hang up I just want to tell you to tell your supervisor that you do a good job. I have had a VERY bad life. I wake up every day being defensive. You have a calming voice. You calmed me down this morning. " 

Tix Lady: "Do you want my cell #?"

Mrs. Customer: (laughing) ' Maybe!!'

 
*******************************************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: ' Do you have any cheaper seats?'

Tix Lady:  "Well. A VIEW FROM THE BRIDGE has stage seating. Those seats are stage right & left on benches, they have backs and cushions and are $59.  

Mr. Customer: "Fascinating" 

Tix Lady:  "You have to stay in those seats for the entire play. If you must leave your seat for any reason you can't go back on stage to that seat again, tho'.

Mr. Customer: " Oh.  Um. Hmm.  I'd have to just ask my...um...my um...

Tix Lady:  "Wife? huh...Husband?

Mr. Customer: "No.  That would be a question for my bladder."

******************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Your voice is so authoritative and masterful and makes me feel like I'm in a blanket."

I have no clue WHAT this lady was thinking when she said that. 
****************************************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: "I want to get that buy two get one fer nuthin.'

It's the Broadway week offer.  It's buy one get one.
*****************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "My e-mail address is eastendbeauty@blankblankblank.com"  

Tix Lady: "Because you live on East End Ave?"

Mrs. Customer: "No one ever gets that!"
******************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I want to go see LES MISERY on 2/14"

Tix Lady:  "Do you mean LES MISERABLES at the Imperial Theatre or MISERY at the Broadhurst theatre?

Mrs. Customer: "MISERY"

Tix Lady:  "Perfect choice for Valentines Day!"
******************************************************************************************************

Tix Lady: 'Hello! Broadway Tix. I'm Jeanie. What show would you like?'

Ms. Customer: 'I'm Shiney!'

Tix Lady:  'Excuse me?'

Ms. Customer: 'My name.  It's Shiney!'  🎆
*********************************************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer: ' Alliance!' is closing & I need a refund! '

For the record the name of the show is ALLEGIANCE.

**************************************************************^**************************
Ms. Customer: "My Al Pacino tix are in Arizona and I am in NYC. I forgot them. AND I put them in my undie drawer for safe keeping!!!" 


Hope she brought some with her! 

***********************************************************************
Ms. Customer:  " Is  row E row O?"
*********************************************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "This is TIX. I'm Jeanie. How can I help you?"

Mrs. Customer: "Hi. Julie!"
*********************************************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: 'Hi . My girlfriend got drunk and left the tix in the hotel and we missed the show.  That was stupid, right?'
********************************************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: 'The name on the Visa is Narcissa Titman"
*******************************************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: "I want to see Les Miz before that specific guy leaves the show."
******************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "We had tix for Thursday night but we went to the wrong theatre.  We had tix for FIDDLER but we went to THE KING AND I theatre.  So can we go tonight instead?"

(The address was printed on their e tickets)
*****************************************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: "SO the first row in the mezzanine is the very first down then?  I just worry that the people behind me can't see."

(How nice)
*****************************************************************************************************
Tix Lady:  '...and the billing address of the credit card?"

Mrs. Boston: "Well.  This is my friends' credit card.  I have to look up her new  address. She's only been in the smaller house for two years.  Just a minute.  She had to  move, ya know, it was a dead husband thing."
 
*************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Wait. Wait.  Just a minute while I get my other hand."

This is a first. I usually hold while they get a seating chart, a drink of water to ease their cough, a pen, a credit card that is out in the glove compartment if they live in California but holding on while a customer goes off to retrieve a body part is a first.
*************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I have not received my e-tix for                                       MISERY. They're a gift for my in-laws."

Tix Lady:          " I'm wondering if the name of the show
                         reminded you of them in anyway?"

Mrs. Customer:  " Wait. I just found them in my e-mail!"

Tix Lady:          " Oh goody!  Hope your in-laws enjoy
                          MISERY."  
***********************************************************************************************************
                   
Ms. Customer: "I want to know about rush tickets for the show BEAUTIFUL."

Tix Lady: "You have to go to the Box office on the same day as the show you'd like to see & ask for the Rush Tix. They are subject to availability.  They are $40. They only sell rush tickets for the Tues. Wed and Thursday shows."

Ms. Customer: "So I can go on Tuesday and buy tickets for a show on Saturday, right.?"

Tix Lady:  "No. You CAN go on Tuesday at 10 a.m. when the Box Office opens to get rush tickets for the show on Tuesday night"

Ms. Customer: "So You are saying I CAN go on a Tuesday , Wednesday or Thursday and buy rush tickets for Saturday matinee ? "

I know you understand what you think I said but what I said is not what you heard. 
******************************************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "I called on Saturday. You screwed up my account. I mean you fixed it."  
*****************************************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "Hey Hey Hey.  I have been trying to reach somebody.  I don't have a lot of money and no one has an answer for me and I don't know how to get tix for the free Nutcracker at Brookfield Park. They have it every year but not last year. I call, I get a machine. I need a 800 number that's free. Can you get me a number?"

Tix Lady:  "I am sorry. I do have a number for the NYC Ballet. But it's not an 800 hundred number. It's a local NYC # 212-..."

Mr. Customer: "Can you connect me?"

Tix Lady: "I'm sorry.  I don't have that option but I can give you the number"

Mr. Customer: "Then, you know what?"

Tix Lady: "Um...What?'

Mr. Customer: "You can go f---k. You stupid f------, a--h--le, b--ch."

What a charmer.
**********************************************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: "I want tix for BEAUTIFUL at the Stephen Sodom Theatre."

Sondheim Sondheim Sondheim Sondheim Sondheim I think decades ago in Times Sq. there may have been a Sodom and Gomorrah Theatre.*
***********************************************************************
Mr. Customer:  " My wife had a Lincoln Center membership. She died in August. I am not sure if I want to renew."

Tix Lady: " I am SO sorry."

Mr. Customer: 'That's o.k. Not to get personal but I have a lady & if I renew the membership does my wifes' name still have to be on the membership card?"

( In memory of his wife, her first name was  Franceen. That is how she spelled her name. Franceen, you married a creep.    )
************************************************************************


Tix Lady: "And the first name as it appears on your card?"

Mrs. Customer: "Jellybean"   ( AND she spelled it )

She is from California! 
***********************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "By first row, do you mean first row from the stage or what?"

Tix Lady:  "Yes. The first row is the first row from the stage."

Mrs. Customer: " Well. I've never been to New York before."

Yes New York is the planet where first row means one row from the stage. 
***********************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "So if I have a discount, then the tickets 
                         are cheaper, right?"


***********************************************************************
Ms. Customer:  " I NEED to know the time the show ends"

Tix Lady:         "What show are you seeing?"

Ms. Customer:  "The Color Purple"

Tix Lady:          "It's two hours and thirty five minutes"

Ms. Customer:  "But WHAT time??  You didn't tell me the time and that doesn't help me"

Tix Lady:        "Well. Are you seeing a matinee' or an evening performance? What time does your show start?"

Ms Customer:  "2 It starts at 2."

Tix Lady: (breaking down the math) "2,3,4...2 hours. So 4. and 35 minutes...so it's over at 4:35 p.m.

Ms. Customer: "Are you SURE? " 
***********************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: " My discount code is 'A' like Apple. 'B' like Bob. 'B' like Bob. 'O' like Oscar. 'X' like Zero' 
***********************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Well. I don' know how to answer that. American Express Reward Points?  My husband pays the bills so I don't know a thing. He never tells me anything like that or about our credit cards. So I don't know all by myself."

Gawd, Woman!  What decade are you in?"
************************************************************************
Mrs. East Side:  " Art??  Art?  Sorry. My yoga teacher just came in.  Sit down.  Um...Did YOU  reset my password, YET ?  Can you hurry this up?? My yoga teacher is waiting for my private."

You are lucky enough to have a private yoga class. You live on the East Side. So... why not call when you have more time?
************************************************************************
Ms. Customer: "I already have tickets for the first row. It's my sisters birthday SO can Jennifer Hudson give her a shout out?"

Oh. Of course. Tix Lady and Jennifer Hudson are very close.  OMG  I told her to leave a hand written note at the stage door ahead of time or mail it to Jennifer c/o the theatre. Mail is non obtrusive.  I told her to expect nothing but she might request a photo and enclose a self addressed stamped envelope.  

Story.  When I was very very young, decades ago, I auditioned for HELLO DOLLY at the then MINSKOFF THEATRE. The audition was on stage and the musical director was in the pit.  I was so excited.  Pearl Bailey was DOLLY.  I wanted to play Ermengarde!!   I got laughs because it was an all Black version and I had no clue. Not only did they give me two free tickets ,when I mentioned it was the day before my birthday they must have mentioned it to Ms. Bailey.  She said MY name from the stage and  sang happy birthday during the last part of the show intertwined with her monologue. Incredible is too small a word. When she became the Ambassador of Love for the UN we kept up a little correspondence. I still have her photo on my wall and a children' book she wrote, Huey, that she sent me. I DID NOT tell my customer that, tho'. That was a simpler, lovelier, time. 
************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "My first name as it is on my credit card is H-o-n-e-y-l-e-t, Honeylet."

Tix Lady wonders why someone would name their child that?  "Honey. Let the dog out."  Honey? Let me get the groceries." "Honey? Let me name the baby."

************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "I want to see the show the afternoon of the Saturday after the last Saturday in October."

Tix Lady ponders the reason for the way he said that. Why not just say, 'The first Saturday matinee' in November?"
The wonders of the theatre going public never cease.
*************************************************************************

Tix Lady:  "Good morning this is TIX.  What show would you like?"

Mrs. Customer: "I am put upon put upon put upon."

Tix Lady: "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

Mrs. Customer:  "Put upon Put upon Put upon. People come in from all over the country and expect ME to get tix. I gave them the discount offer for Boston for THE GIN GAME...

Tix Lady:  "THE GIN GAME is playing in NYC"

Mrs. Customer: " I KNOW that. They are from Boston and they expect ME to get them tix. It's just too too too much. They come here from all those foreign cities and don't know anything about getting tickets and so is this the number they call?? They call YOU?"

Tix Lady:  "Yes M'am"

Mrs. Customer:  "Well?  WHAT IS THE NUMBER???"

Tix Lady: "The number you just called is...212-----"

(It was before 9 a.m.  She was yelling. She is 'put upon' by those she obviously knows. I guess she has some friends.What a wonderful friend! )
************************************************************************
Tix Lady: "The orchestra seats are $157. There is a $9.50 service charge per ticket and one handling fee for the order of $2.75."

Mr. Customer:  "Wait Wait Wait!!  YOU JUST MADE MY MIND GO BLANK." 
  Tix Lady feeling the power.
************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: 'I am interested in the CHICAGO show on 9/30'

Tix Lady:  'That's 'CHICAGO' playing in New York City at the Ambassador Theatre on 9/30.  How many tix do you need?"

Mrs. Customer: "NO!!!! I want 'KINKY BOOTS' "

Tix Lady:  "Oh. I'm sorry. I thought you said, CHICAGO."

Mrs. Customer: "I DID. BECAUSE I LIVE just outside of Chicago."

  Of course that makes perfect sense.

***********************************************************************
Ms. Customer: "My name is Rebecca R-E-B-E-C-C-A. Schmaltz and that's schpelled...S-C-H-M-A-L-T-Z. like
when you're all dressed up and looking' all schmaltzy !"

(First name changed to protect my innocent caller)

************************************************************************
Tix Lady:  ' There are only a certain number of seats allowed with this discount offer. The matinee' you wanted is sold out Is there any other date I can check for you?"

Ms. Customer: "Well.  I don't know.  My boyfriend works in the city. He just went to the store now.  I don't know. We're going on vacation for two weeks next week and so I don't know... I HAVE to get my mother to babysit the dog and the iguana"
 
***********************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: 'I'd like to see A VIEW FROM THE FRIG"

I think I just saw the ghost of Arthur Miller.
***********************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I'll get you my credit card number after I turn over the pancakes."

************************************************************************
Tix Lady:  "Hello This is Tix, I'm Jeanie. What show would you like to see?"

Mr. Customer: "I'd like to see FIDDLER.  I am Spartacus Feldenstein."

I can't reveal actual names but his first name is indeed Spartacus! He said it with such bravado, too!!


************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I wanted tix for FIDDLER ON THE ROOF and the computer gave me 11/20 NOT 9/20. I REALLY wanted to go today!! Not two months from now!"

Tix Lady:  "I'm sorry. The first performance isn't until 11/20. Customer Service can help you with another show for today."

Mrs. Customer:  "I wanted to go to something today because my son is getting married.  I'm not invited to the wedding."

Tix Lady:  "Oh. Sorry. I am sorry about that"

Mrs. Customer:  'It's his girlfriend. She is not speaking to me or my daughter or his brother. She is such a brat."

Tix Lady:  "That is very sad. He will regret that one day, I'm sure.  Maybe  Customer Service can help you with a show for today."

Mrs. Customer:  "O.K. It's so sad I need something to keep my mind off his wedding day."   ( sniffle)

It's NOT all funny. Sometimes Tix Lady feels sad for her callers.
************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I want first row, center mezzanine. In the hundreds.  I want center in the hundreds!"

Tix Lady:     "I have Center first row in the mezzanine, A 107 and 108."

Mrs. Customer:  "Are they end seats?"

Tix Lady:  "I don't have AISLE seats in the center. I DO have first row on the aisle across from center in the first row. A 1 and A 3."

Mrs. Customer: "How come those numbers are so weird?"

Tix Lady:  "They ARE odd".

************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: " I hear 'Mama Mia' closed yesterday."

Tix Guy:   "Yes. It did"

Mrs. Customer: "Well.  Can I get tix for todays' matinee'?"

Tix Guy:  "...NO. Because it closed YESTERDAY."

************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "How long is the GaGillion Bubble show gonna be in New York?"

Tix Lady:  " We're selling tix through 2/21."

Mrs. Customer:  "WHAT?? Last time I called it was only till October sometime. This is GREAT. SO IT'S SOOOO GOOD they expected it, then?"

Tix Lady: " Um. Expected?"

Mrs. Customer: "I guess it's so good that the theatre expected it then. They keep expecting and expecting it."

Tix Lady: ( OH. She means extended!)   "Yes. You're right they expected it until 2/21 and who knows? They might keep expecting it and expecting it!"  

**************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "What is the first date of the show?"

Tix Lady:  "The first performance is Oct. 5th"

Mrs. Customer:  "Do you have anything sooner?"

*************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I'm calling for tickets"

Tix Lady: (giggle* No kidding?)    "What show would you like to see?"

Mrs. Customer:  "The orchestra"

Tix Lady: "O.K. But what's the name of the show                              you'd like to see?

Mrs. Customer:  "JERSEY BOYS"

Tix Lady:  "That's JERSEY BOYS IN NYC and                                  how many tickets would you like?"

Mrs. Customer:  " September 12th or the 19th?"

Tix Lady:   (giggle) "O.K. But how many tickets?"

Mrs. Customer:  "How much are they?"

Tix Lady:  "Well, the orchestra seats are $157."

Mrs. Customer:  "Do you have anything cheaper?"

Tix Lady: "There are mezzanine seats that are                               $97.00"

Mrs. Customer: "BUT I want Orchestra."

Tix Lady:          "The orchestra seats are all the same price and how many tickets would you like?"

Mrs. Customer: "The matinee'"

Tix Lady:   (Giggle)  "O.K. So that's the matinee' on Sept. 12th. I have orchestra seats at $157. and how many do you need?"

Mrs. Customer: 'THAT doesn't sound like the buy one get one offer, I read about?"

Tix Lady: (still giggling as I write the conversation) 
                Did you mention that at the beginning of the call? I don't think you did.  Wait. Hold on a sec. I need to go back and put in the two for one offer. O.K. So two people for $157. normally one goes at that price. I have tix for both dates you gave me. Which date would you like to go?"

Mrs. Customer: "I need four tix"

Tix Lady:  "O.K. that's FOUR tix for JERSEY BOYS in the orchestra and WHICH DATE would you like to go?" 

Mrs. Customer: "I'll call back"
                     
                       CLICK

Mrs. Customer called back to complain about me, saying I was a witch and that I had an attitude and should not be working there.  So you can't laugh at this job. Someone might be offended.  Had she said, "I need two tix for THE JERSEY BOYS, I have a discount offer and would like orchestra" That would have been faster. It would also be humorless. 
**********************************************************************************£****************
Mrs. Customer: "Could ya hold on a second.  I hafta ask my husband...  MARV???  HEY, MARV. MARV MARV?
O.K. Look.  My sister only comes once every five years. Should I get the theatre tix or should we just go and walk on the lake?"

(WOW. A family who can walk ON  a lake!!  Now, THAT would be a sell out!)
*************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "How long is that show, MATILDA?"

Tix Lady:  "MATILDA is 2 hours and 40 minutes long including intermission."

Mrs. Customer: "What time should I make a reservation for lunch, do you think?  I mean if I'm like ten minutes from that theatre? And I wonder what food I'll feel like tomorrow?"

(I JUST sell tickets. I can't give other advice)
*************************************************
Mr. Customer: "What do you mean 'SOLD OUT?' THAT is NOT acceptable. Just press another button."
(From Tix Man, Gary)
*************************************************
Tix Lady: "...and there is a $9.50 service charge per ticket and one handling fee of $2.75 per transaction so the total to be charged to your credit card would be $271.75 for your two tix.

Mr. Customer: "WHAT? No taxes?"
*************************************************
Tix Lady: "Tix. What show would you like?"

Melanie:  "How are you?"

Tix Lady: "Fine and you?"

Melanie:  "My name is Melanie and I am blessed and highly favored, thank you."

Tix Lady: "Good for you and would you like to see a show?"

Melanie: "Yes. I want to see DAMES AT SEA. I tap with The Karismas. You know Macy's would not let us in the tap-a-thin because they are prejudice. My brother is Eric and he is in the U.S. Navy."  (She went on to give me his full name, rank & address)

Tix Lady: "Really?  Well. O.K. then when would you like to see DAMES AT SEA?"

Melanie: "You know what? Fornication is a sin before marriage and so I am never going to fornicate before I get married."

Tix Lady: "Good for you &t hank you for sharing that. Um. I almost forgot why you called. Ah Yes... what date for DAMES AT SEA"

Melanie: "You're welcome.  A Wednesday or Saturday matinee in November"

(She DID buy a ticket and I wish I could remember the entire conversation. I couldn't write fast enough)
*************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "Well.  I think I want the uh- hundred ones.  But do you think those tix will be available when I call back?"

She thinks she's calling the psychic ticket hot line.
*************************************************
Ms. Customer: "Hi. Oh Hi. How much are the cheapest tix to the GAZILLION BUBBLE?"

Tix Lady: "The Gazillion Bubble show in NYC. The least expensive tix are $55. & a $7.00 service charge per ticket."

Ms. Customer: "SO. YEAH . SO HOW MUCH IS THAT EXACTLY?"

Tix Lady: "$62 per ticket."

Math.  Not her best skill.

*************************************************
It is 3:05 p.m. on Sunday. The performance time is 3 p.m.

Ms. Customer: "Hey. So does the show start at 3 or 3:15?"

Tix Lady: "Which show are you talking about?"

Ms. Customer: "Today."

Tix Lady:  "No. I mean what's the name of the show you'd like to see.?"

Ms. Customer: "MATILDA"

Tix Lady:  "It started at 3"

Ms. Customer: "Well.  We went to see Aladdin and it started late."

(I remember a time when you'd never be late to theatre. You'd be early. It meant you would not disturb the performers or the audience members that have to move to accommodate you.)
**************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "How old can a kid be to see SHOWS FOR DAYS ?

Tix Lady: "The age appropriateness is 15 or older."

Mrs. Customer: "Why"

Tix Lady: (after calling the theatre to inquire) There is strong language and it's about a Gay teenager coming of age & sexual content."

Mrs. Customer: "Well.  My kid is 12. Her brother is an actor. She has seen all kinds of things.  Besides I want to see Patty Lapone."

OMG & why did you even ask? Tix Lady is not fond of wasting breath.
**************************************************
Ms. Customer: "We want tix to THE JERSEY SHORE!"

Thanx to Tix Employee, Kris, who doesn't sell tix but got the call by mistake. )
**************************************************
Mr. Customer: "So are these seats on the side?

Tix Lady:         "Yes. But they're on the aisle across from the center section."

Mr. Customer: "Wait.  Let me tell my wife."
(Yelling) "SADIE. Listen. The Tix. Side? 10th row?"

Sadie: "I don't know, Herman (pronounced his name Hoiman) Whadda you think?  I don't like side. NO I don't like side"

Mr. Customer: "My wife. She don't like side"

Tix Lady:  "I'm sorry. The seats on the side are what's available with your discount offer. But these are across from the center aisle so as close to center as you can be with your offer."

Mr. Customer: "Wait. Let me tell my wife.   (Yelling) SADIE??"

Sadie:  'WHAT? WHAT ? WHAAAAT?"

Mr. Customer: "She says it's ALL we can get with the discount but they're on the aisle next to centah."

Sadie:   (now on the phone)   "Hello??? Hello??"

Tix Lady: "Hello?"

Sadie:  "SO. I can't get centah with this offah??  

Tix Lady: "No. Sorry. But these ARE on the aisle, 10th row, just across the aisle from center."

Sadie:  "WAIT. Let me tell my husband."
 
*************************************************
Tix Lady: "We also partner with restaurants like the world famous, SARDIS, GUY FIERIS' American Kitchen, THE FOUR SEASONS, THE RUSSIAN TEA ROOM."

Mrs. Customer: "Nopey. Nopey. We are AHH goin' to Jeek elle and Hyde."

(Tix Lady wonders why people don't try the many special restaurants like THE FOUR SEASONS. SARDIS' had such a theatrical history. 9th Ave is filled with every ethnic restaurant imaginable. I suppose it's the same reason why the lines are longer for Mme. Tussands Wax Museum than they are at the incredible Museums, here etc.  and WHO says, 'Nopey Nopey?)
*************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I'm going to be doing shopping before MATILDA.  I will have like a trillion bags with me.  Will that be annoying?." 

*************************************************
Mr. Customer:  "Is there a dress code?"

Tix Lady: "No. Just keep in mind the theatre is air conditioned.

Mr. Customer: "Can I wear shorts?"
*************************************************
Tix Lady: "O.K. So that's three tickets for KINKY BOOTS for this Saturday August 8th matinee'. Should we send them by e-mail?"

Mrs. Customer: "Send WHAT by e-mail?"

Tix Lady:  "The couch you just ordered.  THE TICKETS that we were JUST talking about."

*************************************************
Mommy Customer: "CHICAGO.  It says it's o.k. for anyone over 12. My daughter is 13. Will they let her in?"

Tix Lady: "Yes. Since 13 is over 12. They will let her in."

Mommy: "Well.  Is there a lot of kissing.?"

Tix Lady: "There is a lot of dancing and singing and some murder. "

Mommy:  "That's o.k. then"
*************************************************
"Mrs. Customer: "We want to be close. We want to be very, very close but we don't want to hurt our neck."
*************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Yes. I want orchestra and my friend needs her right foot to be in the aisle."

*************************************************
(name changed to protect the Customer)
Mrs. Customer: "I KNOW everything already. I AM Bryna Warthog & I AM director".

Tix Lady: "Oh. But do you know where the seats are for that performance?"

Mrs. Customer; "You have to tell me what's available. I don't need restaurants. I KNOW to be on time. I am a professional director AND I am a New Yorker. I am always prepared due to my training as a director of theatre. TOTALLY always prepared."

Tix Lady: "What's your Lincoln Center membership #?"

Mrs. Customer: "I don't have that. Can you look it up?"

*************************************************
Tix Lady: "Mama Mia will honor the tix for the performance you missed on a week night only.  Monday, Tues. Wed. or Thursday"

Mrs. Customer: "Not Saturday matinee'?"
************************************************
Mr. Customer: "So. I printed my tickets. So. I can't find them. The show is today."

Tix Lady:  " I alert the box office via computer. They will print the tickets for you. All you need to do is go to the theatre, show them photo i.d. & the same credit card you used for the purchase."

Mr. Customer: "But I don't have their phone #"

Tix Lady: "YOU don't need to do anything but go to the theatre today at ten minutes to two. I will have the tix waitng for you.  Just bring your photo i.d."

Mr. Customer: "O.K. So you'll send them to me again on my email.?'

Tix Lady: "NO. ALL YOU NEED to do is go to the theatre, to the box office window, give them your name, show your photo i.d.  They will have your tix there."

*************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Last name Fischman."

Tix Lady:  "Is it F-i-s-c-h-m-a-n or F-i-s-h-m-a-n?"

Mrs. Customer: "OH, My. You're a VERY good speller."
*************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I want close & center Orchestra seats for "Allegiance" on October 18th.

Tix Lady:  "AND...I have them. I have third row center on that date."

Mrs. Customer"  "Is it Center?"

Tix Lady: "Yes. Third row which is row B in this theatre."

Mrs. Customer: "Is there an AA?"

Tix Lady: "Yes. AA, A, B.  'B' IS the third row."

Mrs. Customer: "Center?"

Tix Lady:  "Yes"

Mrs. Customer: "I'm having trouble hearing you. Let me get my glasses."  
*************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "And what's your name again?"
Tix Lady:          "Jeanie."
Mrs. Customer: "What?"
Tix Lady:           "Jeanie, like with the light brown hair."
Mrs. Customer:  "Cute. Like the sawng." (That's how she pronounced song! I love New Yawkers)
Tix Lady:           "That's right"
Mrs. Customer:  "So let me tell you where I want to sit, Julie."
 
************************************************
Tix Lady: "The mobility seats are $79. plus a $9.50 service charge so each ticket would be $88.50.  It's S-101 & 102 with one on the aisle"

Mrs. Customer: "For both?"

Tix Lady: "No. Sorry. That's per ticket."

Mrs. Customer: "That's expensive"

Tix Lady: "Well.  If you can get to the theatre & purchase them in person, then you can avoid the service charges."

Mrs. Customer: "Yeah. But I have to take my husband and he has cancer."

Tix Lady: "I am really SO sorry to hear that"

Mrs. Customer: "It's o.k. He's not sick."


************************************************
Mr. Customer: "Hey. Dis is Big Mike. I don't want cha to tell me about doz expensive seats. You know my job is washing car windows by the Lincoln Tunnel"
************************************************
(After a 20 minute conversation)
Mrs. New Yawker: "O.K. So.  Should I order tickets right now or you can't do it because you are like, in customer service & everything?"

Tix Lady: "I can sell you the tickets now."

Mrs. New Yawker: " Oh. O.K. I have to call you back."
*************************************************
Ms. Customer: "I think I should let you know right off the bat that I am NOT a big theatre goer and I'm not really fond of it.

Tix Lady: "O.K. Then...what shall we talk about?"

Ms. Customer: "I want to see FUN HOME."

Tix Lady: "Are you SURE? You just said you were not fond of theatre  so I thought maybe you called to invite me to dinner and a  movie."
**************************************************
Mr. Customer: "How much are the tickets for FUN? I want the cheapest on the 24th I only want one ticket."

Tix Lady: "FUN HOME at Circle in the Square Theatre on July 24th. I have tickets but I only have one location for that night. $160.

Mr. Customer: "You don't have the $75 seats?"

Tix Lady:  "Sorry.  I don't have that price ticket until August. Is there another date I can check for you?"

Mr. Customer: "BUT I'm only one person!" 

Tix Lady:  "If you were only 1/2 a person...I still don't have any other price ticket for the 24th!"

**************************************************
Mrs. Lincoln Center: "I am a membah. My name is Florence Klotznovik. (changed to protect the innocent)  
I am a 'membah' &  want tickets for the new Bridge play."

Tix Lady: "A VIEW FROM THE BRIDGE by Arthur Miller? That goes on sale tomorrow."

Mrs. Lincoln Center: "What is today? The 20th right?"

Tix Lady: "Today is Sunday the 19th. It goes on sale tomorrow at 10 a.m."

Mrs. Lincoln Center: "Well...I'll be damned."
**************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "My first name is Faerella. (pronounced Fay-Rel-ah.)   F like frankfurter. A like appreciate. E like elephant.  R like rhinoceros. E like excellent. Two L's like lollipops and love. And one more A like always. Did you get that?"
(YES. Tix Lady made sure she got that!)
**************************************************
Ms. Customer: " Are there rush tickets for the BEAUTIFUL show?"

Tix Lady: "BEAUTIFUL/the Carole King Musical has rush tickets, $40. the same day as the show you'd like to see when the Box Office o pens on Tuesday. Wednesday or Thursday"

Ms. Customer: "Not today?"

Tix Lady:  "Today is Friday. They only have rush tix for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday performances. So not for tonights' show."

Ms. Customer: "Humph.  I'll just go to the box office."

**************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "...Let me just tell my mother. MOM. MA.  CHINA DOLL doesn't start previews till October. Do you think you can last till then???   (whispering)  She's 94."  
**************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I don't care how much the tickets cost. I'm not paying. It's for HIS mother."

**************************************************
Mrs Customer:  "Oh. Hello. I want Something Rotten"

(That IS the name of a show at the St James Theatre)
**************************************************
Mrs Customer:  "O.K.  I love you for being so kind with me. Can I ask you to repeat this one more time? Just to that 'modify search' what cha call it so I can release that friggin ticket so you can get it for me on your computer. If I don't get it right this time I will just kill myself and then you won't have to worry about my tickets anymore. Wait just a sec till I get the gun from the desk drawer. O.K.?"

Tix Lady really loved this customer.
**************************************************
Ms. Customer:  "Hi. This is Susanna Dipp"
**************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Hi. I'm on Theatre Mania right now, on                           my cell phone, holding my credit card,                             outside, in my pajamas."
Tix Lady:          "And thank you so much for the visual"
**************************************************
Mr. Customer: "Hi. I have a question. Can my wife bring                         her purse to the Belasco Theatre."
**************************************************
Mr. Customer: "Hello.  My Smart Phone is an Idiot"
**************************************************
Ms. Customer: "Name on my card is Haroon                                               Hirdaramanioni"
(longish pause)
Tix Lady:        "Would you mind spelling that for me?"
Ms Customer: "Sure. H-A-R- double O- N"
(longer pause)
Tix Lady:         "Thank you. And the last name?"
Name changed to protect the innocent.
**************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I want tix for the Curious Incident of
                           That Dog Who Goes Out Around                                       Midnight."

(The play is THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG in the NIGHT TIME.  There is a musical ''ROUND MIDNIGHT)

**************************************************
Tix Lady: "I'm sorry. I'm having trouble hearing you.                     Did you say your last name was spelled 
               'D-U-C-K?'

Mr. Customer: "No. It's 'KICK" like kick your butt. 
                        'K-I- C-K.'  Donald Kick"

I thought Thank God!  Better than two Donald Ducks in the world!


**************************************************
Tix Lady: "And we offer exclusive arrangements with restaurants such as the...

Mrs. Customer: "NO NO NO NO NO> My Daughter has been at NYC for three weeks now."

WHAT the hell does that mean????????????????
**************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I tried to order on line but I couldn't remember my passport."

THE ONLY WAY TO TRAVEL THE INTERNET!
*************************************************
Mr. Customer: "I called this number fer times aHready and no body is heppin' me.  I got about 29 hundrid in my savings and fer hundrid in my checking. I'm in Texas and..."

Tix Lady: "Wait! I sell theatre tix for New York City"

Mr. Customer: " So you're not my bank?  Well, Sheet.
                          I'm gonna send my cousin Debbie who                             works fer the dern bank, then. She                                 lives 'bout 7 miles from it."

*****************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: 'And the first name on my card is spelled M-a-n-n-e-t-t-e...
 
Tix Lady thinks this must be a teenie tiny man!
***************************************************************************
Mr. Customer:    "Thank you so much. You have a very   sexy voice by the way."
Tix Lady:            "Thank you." (blushing)
Mr. Customer:    "No.  I mean that. REALLY.  May I ask
                           what you look like?
Tix Lady:            " Well...I just bleached my hair kind of   blonde, almost white actually.  And I 
                            gave up my contacts because after 60   years old your eyes dry out and feel                                  like potato chips & I just lost 50  pounds so I'm down to about 
                          300 now and..."
CLICK   

Shame he hung up.  I was on a roll...
                    
***************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "May I ask you a personal question?"
Tix Lady:           "Well.  O.k."
( I thought 'how personal can it be'? We are just two voices chatting about theatre tickets. )
Mrs. Customer:   " I am a speech therapist. My question                              is... are you Asian?"
Tix Lady:            " Yes." 

( During the run of the ELEPHANT MAN there was another 'personal' question and it was, "Are you Patricia Clarkson?" She played the nurse in the show. Several people have said I sound like her.  BUT this person was convinced SHE was there taking calls for the show. OMG )
***************************************************

Ms. Customer:  "I'm glad I called instead of trying to                              order on the website. You know why?
Tix Lady:          "Um NO. Why?"
Mrs. Customer: "BECAUSE YOU explained just how the
                          mezzanine and balcony works! "
***************************************************
Mr. Customer: 'I need one tee kit for pray lu day for
                         any night this week'
Tix Lady:         " I'm sorry Prelude is sold out for the                               run of the show."
Mr. Customer:  "Well.  Sheet."

***************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "My navigator took me to 1634                                          Broadway but I don't see the                                          theatre."

Tix Lady:            "The Winter Garden takes up most of                               the block between 50th and 51st on                                 Broadway."

Mrs. Customer:   "Nope. No theatre. I'm in Brooklyn. Is
                            that where I'm 'sposta' be?"

Tix Lady:             "NO! The Broadway shows are in                                     Manhattan."

Mrs. Customer:    "Now wait.   I have to put that in my
                             navigator.  How do you spell                                            Manhattan?"
**************************************************


Tix Lady:          "What date would you like to see the                               show?"

Mrs. Customer:  " June 31st"

Tix Lady:            "Um...June only has 30 days"

Mrs. Customer:   "Whatever the hell the last day is"
**************************************************
Tix Lady: "I have tenth row center orchestra for that                    evening"

Mrs. Customer: "Are those seats comfortable? Have                                 YOU sat there?"
Yeah. They make us try out every seat in every theatre on Broadway and off Broadway & it's our job to remember the feel of each seat.
**************************************************

Tix Lady:          "We also partner with the Russian
                           Tea Room.  Would you like to make a
                           reservation?"

Mr. Customer:    "Huh? You party AT the Russian Tea 
                            Room?"
**************************************************

Tix Lady:            "..and the city?"

Mrs. Customer:  " Green witch"

Tix Lady:           "Greenwich? Connecticut?"

Mrs Customer:   " Yes. But if I say it as it's 'spelt'
                            then I can be sure you'll spell it
                            right."
**************************************************

Tix Lady:  "And the name on the card?"

Mrs. Customer:  "It's Karen Crap"

****************************************************************
Mr. Customer:  'I am in the Walter Kerr Theatre & I                              can't get out'

He must have lingered way too long. He went out of the doors to the theatre but the outside glass lobby doors had been locked. AND in my decades of ticket selling this is the 2nd time this has happened.  God bless cell phones.
************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I want the theatre NOT you. I NEED to know if there are any "constellations" for the show, CANCELATIONS for tonight."

I assume she meant "cancellations" for the show 'CONSTELLATIONS."  
***************************************************
Mrs. Grandmother:  "I need six tix. We're taking my                                          grandsons and they are all about ten                                years old. I have been a Lincoln                                        Center member since 1998.  I think                                  the Loge would be good. I always sit
                               there"

Tix Lady:                "I have first row Loge for 'King and I '                                 on that date.  You'd be above the                                     10th row of the orchestra. This way                                 no one will be in front of your                                           grandchildren."

Mrs. Grandmother:  " Can they slip through? "

Tix Lady didn't say, "Hopefully".

Tix Lady:                "It's a wall not just a railing so they                                   can't slip through & since their YOUR
                              grandchildren. I'm sure you've taught                                 them how to behave in the theatre. "

SMILE IN VOICE SMILE IN VOICE SMILE SMIRK ON FACE         

************************************************************************
TIX LADY:           "So with your discount offer I have                                     two seats available in the Orchestra,                                 the first level of this two level                                         theatre.  I have the first row center or                             I have the 12th row center."    

Mrs. Customer:   "How many rows are in the theatre?"

Tilx Lady:            "Fifteen"

Mrs. Customer:    "12 rows is so far back. First row is too                               close"

Tix Lady:             "There are two choices with your                                       DISCOUNT offer.  If there were 150                                   rows in the theatre  you'd still be 12                                   rows from the stage. Do you care how                               many rows are behind you?"

Mrs. Customer:     "OH. You mean facing the stage!"     
                          

************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I want two tickets for Helen Mirren"
Tix Lady:          "The name of the play is THE                                           AUDIENCE. When would you like to see                          the show?"
Mrs. Customer: "I don't know, let me think "

In Tix Ladys' opinion the time to think is before you pick up the phone.
*****************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "What time is the Wednesday matinee'                              this Saturday?"

Thanx to Tix Lady Kathy for this.
************************************************************************

Mr. Customer:  "I want two tickets for  MYSTERY OF LOVE                         & SIX on  March 6th"

The name of the play is MYSTERY OF LOVE AND SEX. Perhaps he had fear of the word.

*************************************************************************
Tix Lady:  "Would you like to receive your tix by e-mail or
                 regular mail or held them at the                                      theatre for you?

Mrs. Customer:  "What? What do you mean?  I am going to
                          give you my credit card #."

O.K. So who's listening? But the funny part is her last name is Hassler.  I felt completely hassled by her.


***********************************************************************
Ms.Staten Island:  " I want two tix for "CHICKAGO" on Tuesday. I am claustrophobic. I need an aisle."

Tix Lady:  "I have two tix one on the aisle across from center in Row L. L 2 & 4.  # 2 is the aisle just across from the Center Section> You should be comfortable there."

Ms. Staten Island:  " O.K. I'll take those"

I take her card # & part of her info THEN...

Ms. S.I.   " YOU SURE you're selling me an aisle & that it's not by the wall. I went to see Mary Poppins and I was told it was an aisle but it was by the wall & I am claustrophobic and...

Tix Lady:   "I am already almost through your order. You told me at the top of the call you were claustrophobic. I confirmed more then once it's the aisle across from the center sections- which is NOT near the wall- & I did say I thought you'd be comfortable there."

Ms. S.I.:   " YOU OBVIOUSLY HATE YOUR JOB AND SHOULDN'T BE WORKING THERE. I AM GOING TO CALL BACK & GET SOMEONE ELSE."

Tix Lady:  "O.K. Have a nice evening"

SO for the record. I can look up & see who bought those aisle seats/date & time purchased. How did I know she lived on Staten Island - after all?   
Let's be serious...I felt sad that she is claustrophobic. But these days IF you talk to a stranger BE CAREFUL especially when people have your personal info...they can find what you look like on social media. You can create a dangerous situation. I could have written her name, looked her up on FB, gone to her house & shoved her in a closet, till she got over being claustrophobic & next time she called for tix..she'd be able to sit anywhere. CURED!!  

( I am kidding. But really be careful when talking to strangers.)

*************************************************************************
Mr. Customer: "We need two tickets for New York City for The BOOK OF MORMON.  My wife is right here and she's the brains".

Tix Lady:  "Then why am I talking to you?"

They laughed but I was serious.
*************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer:  "My email address is SOLATIDO@ail.com                             Do you want to you know why I made
                          that my email address?"

Tix Lady:          "Tell me"

Mrs. Customer:  "I teach singing and it's from the SOUND                            OF MUSIC."

(Tix Lady decided a discussion of solfeggio would be out of the question since she didn't want to prolong the conversation)

************************************************************************

Tix Lady:  "...Well, at the $39. price, I have seats. They're                  in the balcony.  The 3rd level."

Mrs. Customer:  "Can I see from there?"

Tix Lady:         "All the seats have a full view. When was                          the last time you visited your                                            optometrist?"

Mrs. Customer:  "Three months ago."

(Tix Lady expected a giggle but got an answer)
*********************************************************************

Mr. Customer:  'I CAN'T TAKE YOU ANYPLACE"

(The Psychic ability of Tix Lady is amazing. She instinctively knows he means ,   'I CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU)
********************************************************************************
Tix Lady:           "And the # on your credit card"
Mr. Customer:   "Are you ready?"
Tix Lady:           "Um. Yes"
Mr. Customer:  "5478-4583-09029999"
Tix Lady:          "Thank you. May I have the expiration                             date?"
Mr. Customer:   "Are you ready?"
Tix Lady:           "Yes"
Mr. Customer:   "4/20/2018"
Tix Lady:          "May I have the security code?"
Mr. Customer:  "O.K. Just a sec.  Are you ready?"
Tix Lady:         "Yes"
Mr. Customer: "1910"
Tix Lady:         "Thanx. I AM READY for the name as it                            appears on your card."

**************************************************
Tix Lady:  "Good evening. This is Broadway Tix. I'm                        Jeanie.  What show would you like?"

Mr. Customer: "I DON'T WANT YOU!"

Tix Lady:   (sniff sniff)   "How can you say that?"
**************************************************
Tix Lady:  "Broadway Tix. I'm Jeanie. How can I help                       you?"

Mrs. Customer: " HELLO?"

Tix Lady:   "Broadway Tix. This is Jeanie. What show                        would you like to see?"

Mrs. Customer:  "Hello? HELLO???"

Tix Lady:           "Hi. This is Jeanie."

Mrs. Customer:  "OH. Good. Hi Julie".

**************************************************

Tix Lady:    "And the name as it appears on your card?"
                  
                (changed a smidge to protect the innocent)

Mr. Customer:  "First name. Her & Man.  H-e-r-m-a-n.
                          Last name. You ready?  "K-a-r-a-m-a-h-                           m-u-r-t-o-g-u-u."  
***************************************************

Tix Lady:    "Would you like your tix sent by email?
                   (longer than usual pause)
                    "We can hold them at the box office for                           you or send them regular mail..."

Mr. Customer:  "Well...I usually put in my credit card #
                           and they come out of my printer."

Tix Lady:          "Um...that would be an 'E' ticket. YES. I
                          can send them so that they come out                               of your printer."
**************************************************

Mr. Customer: "My last name is pronounced NOT SillA
                         It's pronounced rhyming with Willie &
                         then man "

Tix Lady:         "Thank you, Mr. Silliman"

**************************************************
Tix Lady: 'And your e-mail address?"

Mr. Customer: "S like my first name, then my last name,                          Mello@anonymous.com"
 
Giggle for the Tix Lady as she realizes the man who's chewing, letting out an occasional burp or snort  has an email address that spells SMELLO.  
**************************************************
It made Tix Lady smile that Mr. Christ (pronounced like Jesus last name) bought tix for MY BIG GAY ITALIAN WEDDING.  My customers' first name was not Jesus, tho'.  She thought fondly of the 12 disciples. 
***************************************************
Tix Lady: "May I have your e-mail address?:

Mr. Chen: (name changed a bit to protect my innocent,                    yet very amusing customer.)
                  "U-P-P-I-T-Y-C-H-I-N-A-M-A-N-                                      @anonymous.com"

***************************************************

***************************************************
Mrs. Wobbly voiced Customer: 
"That is an excellent seat.  I'm handicapped and so appreciate that you found me this aisle seat. ROBBIE. ROBBIE STOP THAT NOW.  I'm sorry for that interruption.  Just keep it at the box office this way I don't have to remember.  I'll just get it there.  ROBBIE...I mean it. Why can't you be like your nine year old sister?  I'm so sorry again.  I only have three now but once I had 13."

Tix Lady: "13???"

Mrs. Wobbly Voice: "Robbie gets into mischief all the time.  I am thinking of getting a water pistol.  That might work."

Tix Lady: "A WATER PISTOL?"

Mrs. Wobbly Voice: "Well...I'm handicapped, you see. And Robbie is a problem. His brother is the opposite. They are so sweet together.  They cuddle. Tell me do you like cats?"

  Tix Lady is relieved. 
***************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but I can't really tell...am I speaking to a man or a woman?"

Tix Lady: "A lady with a deep voice and you?"
***************************************************
Tix Lady:  "What is the code on your discount offer?"

Mrs. Customer: "Awwww...to get that I'll have to get out of my blanket."

Tix Lady: "In all the years I've worked here, I have never been in bed with a customer before."
**************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  " I want to go see DETATCHED" 

Tix Lady:            "DISGRACED at the Lyceum Theatre?"

Mrs. Customer:  "Yes."

Never disgrace a detached customer.  
**************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I am looking to see   (She is NOT the first to say this..."looking to see") MOTOWN, the MUSICAL".

Tix Lady:  "I'm sorry. We don't handle that show but I can give the phone # for TIX MASTER. 800 --- ---".

Mrs. Customer: "O.K. Thank you"

5 minutes later

Mrs. Same Customer:  " Oh hi.  We just spoke about MOTOWN.  Do they have a Thursday performance?"

Tix Lady;  " I don't know because we don't handle that show. But if you call the # I gave you, they should have that information."

Mrs. Same:   " O.K. Thank you." 

5 or so minutes later.  (YES, there are other Tix People on the phone. How I kept getting this same woman is a karma or something.)
 
Mrs. Same:  "Oh Hi, I was wondering why you don't handle MOTOWN?

***************************************************
Ms. ??Aftereachsentence: 'SO. I have tix from Groupon? For Ave.Q? I need an aisle? I have anasarca? That means if I'm stressed my whole body blows up like a balloon? So I need an aisle?"

  Tix Lady thinks this lady should not be going to the theatre. Maybe use the time to heal and work on using sentences ending in a period.

**************************************************
Ms. Southern Accent: "Do ya'll take pictures at                                                 Phantom of the Opera?"

Tix Lady:                    "No photos are allowed during the                                    show."

Ms. Southern Accent:  "NO. I mean of us. Do ya'll take                                        pictures of us at the Thee aaa
                                     der?"
Tix Lady:                      "No, ma'm. We just sell tickets.
                                      You can take a selfie before                                           the show under the marquee. "

Ms. Southern Accent:   "Under WHO?"        
**************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I want to see HOW TO KILL A 
                           GENTLEMAN."

Tix Lady:           "GENTLEMANS GUIDE TO LOVE AND                            MURDER" at the Walter Kerr                                          Theatre?"
(or stay home and watch the ID channel)
*********** *********** ******** *********** *****
Mrs. Customer:   "I want two tickets for THE                                              ELEPHANT MAN. I want only center                              orchestra. Not too close and not too                                far."

Tix Lady:             "I have two seats center orchestra, 
                             K 101 and 102, 12th row on the aisle"

Mrs. Customer:   "What does that mean?"

Tix Lady:            "What does 'orchestra' mean? What                               does 'center' mean? What does'aisle"                             mean?   It all means I have exactly 
                            what you asked me for."

*************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I want to go see 'DISPLACED".
TIX Lady:           "Did you mean DISGRACED at the                                   Lyceum Theatre in New York City?"

Mrs. Customer:   "What ever."
**************************************************
What makes some people call for theatre tix, THEN  put food in their mouths?  What makes them ask for specific seats THEN ask me to hold while they look up a seating chart?  How is it possible that every shift, at least three ladies call, they don't know each other and live in different parts of the country, ask for the closest possible seats, and when I say I have third row center, they ask the same two questions…"Is that TOO close?"" and "WILL I hurt my neck?"

************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I have three possible dates.  September the 27th or September the 31st."

Ah Hah!  You can't fool the Tix Lady.  That's only two dates AND there is NO September 31st." 
****************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "YOU sent MY tix to my iPad and NOT my computer so I can't print my tix from my iPad!"

Tix Lady:  "Is the email address the same for your iPad as for your computer?"

Mrs. Customer: "Yes"

  If you don't know that you can forward tix or documents to your printer from a phone or an iPad then you can have tix mailed snail mail.  Funny to blame the TIX LADY for sending the tix to your  iPad when you ordered the tix on line and chose the email feature yourself. 

************************************************
Mr. Customer: My email address is Phelgm@---.com

Tix Lady thought that was a little gross.  Turns out he didn't mean 'phelgm' , as in the stuff you might cough up during cold and flu season.  His name is Peter Helgm (pronounced Helm). 

*************************************************
In architecture, a mezzanine (entresol) is an intermediate floor between the main floors of a building. The term is also used for the lowest balcony in a theatre.  It comes from the word Mezzano, meaning "middle".   
 
Tix Lady:  "These seats are in the first row mezzanine. That's the 2nd level of this three level theatre."

Mrs. Customer: "So is the mezzzerreen behind the orchestra.  It IS in some theAATerrs"

Tix Lady:  "No. It's above it. It's above the 10th row of the orchestra."

Mrs. Customoer: "Is the mezzaReen a good look?"

**********************************************
Tix Lady:  "...And so that is two tickets for THE BOOK OF MORMON on November 14th 2014 center Orchestra tenth row.  Would you like them emailed, held at the box office or mailed regular mail?"

Mrs. Customer: "Would I like WHAT mailed?"

Tix Lady: "The refrigerator you just bought."

Tix Lady has been  driven to sarcasm lately.
*********************************************

Mrs.Customer:  "9 Rows from the what?"

Tix Lady:            "The STAGE.  You know. It's that
                            raised place that you face when 
                            you're at a theatre and there are
                            talented people standing on it,
                            singing, talking and sometimes                                         dancing."
****************************** ***************
Mrs. Customer:  " I need three tix for ELIMINATE at
                             The New World Stages"

Tix Lady:             "That's ILLUMINATE at The New World
                                           Stages"                   
******************************************************************
Psychic Tix Hotline

Tix Lady:  "My friend writes a wine column for your local
                  news paper. The Post Dispatch."

Mrs. Customer:  "I don't know that paper.  I'm in                                             Tennessee"

Tix Lady:   "My mistake.  I don't know why I'd think of that 
                   Maybe because you're both named Gail"

Mrs. Customer:  "What is your friends last name?"

Tix Lady:            "Appleson."

Mrs. Customer:  "I am sitting down now. I grew up with her
                            Our parents were friends.  Is her                                        mothers' name, Thelma?'

Tix Lady:             "YES"

After this call, a co worker told me my hair was sticking up.  I am sure it's because something went through my hair to my brain.
********************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: "Thanks for mentioning those shows. I have to ask my husband but right now he's watching Superman for the fourth time. He likes those action movies because of the side affects"

**********************************************************************
Mr. Customer:  "Hi there.  How are you?"
Tix Lady:           "Swell. Thanx for asking."
                          LONG PAUSE
                          "O.K. Bye"
Mr. Customer:    "Wait. Wait. Wait.  I WANT tickets!"
Tix Lady:            "That's why everyone else calls. I
                          thought you wanted to know how I 
                          was."
  EVIL CACKLE LAUGH  
***********************************************************************

Tix Lady:          "Your order # is 70699713"

Mrs. EAstside:  "Let me spell that back…"

Tix Lady: 
**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ***
Mr. SoundingStoned:  "Hey there.  I have a discount code 
                                 for this show, YOU CAN'T TAKE IT                                      WITH YOU.  It goes, "Y" like in…um..
                                  'Y" like in…um…'y' like in um…"Why
                                  not?"                        

***********************************************************************
Mr. Cramer Judson Stiff shared his profession. He moves entire grave yards for a living.  He knows exactly how many bodies he's moved.  He owns a cemetery and a funeral home. He said, "After all, I have to live up to my name."

You can't make this stuff up!  

***********************************************************************
Mr. Customer:  The name on the card is Manish Stavenduti.  My address is 3 Ash Road. That's A-for apple, S for Sugar, H for Happy.

Tix Lady:        Would you mind spelling your name for me?

************************************************
Tix Lady:      "These seats are four rows from the stage
                      in the Orchestra which is the first                                 level  of  a three level theatre"

Mrs. Customer: "I don't call it that"

Tix Lady:           "What?"

Mrs. Customer:   "I call it 'the main floor"
***************************************************
Tix Lady:              "…And the name on your card?"

Mrs. Customer:    " Virginia Wolf"

Tix Lady:              "I won't say anything"

Mrs. Customer:    " I married that name"
  
*****************************************************
Tix Lady:  "No sir, the name of the restaurant begins with an 'S'.  We partner with them.  It's called SARDIS' named for the owner Vincent Sardi.  NOT 'FARTeeS'.
****************************************************
The following is MY personal favorite.

Mrs. Customer:  Why are some tix like $135. and some
                           are like a $67.50?

Tix Lady:            "It all depends on how far away you are"                                   
Mrs. Customer:    "Um...I'm in New Jersey."

Tix Lady:              " I meant how far away you are from
                                the stage."
                                                         
**********************************************
Mr. Customer:  "The name is Arnold Bornstein not to be                            confused with Leonard Bernstein"

************************************************
Dr. Whiney :   ( Not his real name )   'I called a few
                        minutes ago & there were seats available
                        for the show BEATUIFUL in the 11th                             row   center on Oct. 24th."                        

Tix Lady:       'Yes. I have Row L, 11 rows from the 
                       stage center, L 108 & 109."

Dr. Whiney:     "WHAT ROW IS THAT?"

Tix Lady:         "The Row you JUST asked me for"

Makes one wonder if this Dr. listens to his patients.

***********************************************
Tix Lady:  "We also partner with restaurants. The world
                   famous Sardis. Guys' American Kitchen,                         The  Russian Tea Room and The Four                               Seasons to  name a few."
                                    
Mrs. Customer:  " You have this attitude like I am                                       supposed to know what those are."

**************************************************

Mrs. Customer:   "My husband can't see or hear well
                             and he has a balance problem. So
                             we can't sit in the Mezzanine."

EVIL CACKLE LAUGH--- TIX LADY THINKS 'WHY NOT?  FIRST ROW MEZZ…WHOOPS…..GET A SEEING, HEARING & WELL BALANCED HUSBAND NEXT TIME AROUND.

MRS. CUSTOMER:  "So we need to be close on an aisle                                   in   the orchestra."
                                 
Tix Lady:                  "I have third row center                                                  orchestra  on the aisle"
                                   
Mrs Customer:           "Is that too close?"

                                                   
*********************************************     
Mr. Customer:  "My name is Mr. Buddick.  Bud like the                              mans' name and Dick like the mans'                                name."

Tix Lady:         "And what show would you like to see,                              Mr.  Buttock?" 
Were that MY name, I'd pronounce it , BEW DUCK. No, come to think of it, I'd change it all together. 
************************************************

Ms. Customer:     "Hello?? HELLO? I left my dress at                                 the Music Box Theatre."         
                                            
**************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "Look.  I am 93 years old.  I remember
                            when orchestra seats were a buck 
                            eighty five".


************************************************
Mr. Customer:    "So these seats.  Are they like a
                              Porsche?  A BMW? Or what?"

Tix Lady:            "I don't understand"

Mr. Customer:    "I like to make sense so I can tell 
                            my girlfriend.  I never been to a                                     theatre.  So can I say , "Babe. 
                            These seats are the Porsche of
                            theatre seats?  Or is it more like a 
                            BMW or a volkswagon or what?"

Tix Lady:            "Well. Um... you asked for the least
                             expensive seats.  So I'd say,
                             bicycle."
***********************************************
 Mrs. Customer:  "I am SO afraid to buy these tix with                                   out Marge  "

(Tix phobia)

*************************************************                   
Mr. Customer:    "The Hair Ass"

Tix Lady:            "Excuse me?"

Mr. Customer:    "Three tix for the Hair Ass this
                            Friday.  It's at the Walter Kerr
                            Theatre."

Tix Lady:             "3 Tix for THE HEIRESS this Friday"


***********************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "May I hold on while you go get my 
                           credit card?"

Tix Lady:            "WHAT?"
***********************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  " ...and my last name is Sagenowski.  
                                
That's 'S' for Singapore.  'A' for   Africa. 'G' for Germany.  'E' for  Egypt    "N' for Nigeria.  'O' for Oregon.  'W' for  West.  'S'for  Siberia 'K' for K Kenya. AND  'I ' for England."
                                     
***********************************************************
Mrs. Russian Accent :  'I would like to make water'

Tix Lady:         "What?"

Mrs. Russian Accent:  'I would like to make water'

Tix Lady:          " OH!  You'd like to make an order'

Tix Lady thinks of her Aunt Martha who used to say 'I was up before  the crows made their water.'  
************************************************************
Tix Lady:        "We also have exclusive arrangements  
                        for dinner with The Russian Tea Room"

Ms. Customer:   "What kind of cuisine do they have                                       there?"  

Tix Lady:          " Um.  Russian"  
        **************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I just found a charge on my husbands'
                           credit card statement. What is this                                Company?"

Tix Lady:            "We sell tickets for the theatre"

Mrs. Customer:   " Would you mind telling me what the
                                charge is for?'

Tix Lady:             "Do you have an order # or I can look
                             it up by a phone #"

Mrs. Customer:    " Yes."    (she gives phone #) 

Tix Lady:              "Two Tix for Vanya Sonia Masha and
                                Spike on 4/10"

Mrs. Customer:     "Would it be o.k. to cancel?  My 
                               husband ordered these tix and he                                    passed away two weeks ago
                               and I'm not ready to go to the                                        theatre yet."
( Hurt my heart) 
************************************************************************
                                   
Mr. Customer:  "I can't find the show I want on your
                            website."

Tix Lady:           "What's the name?"

Mr. Customer:    "George."

Tix Lady:            "Um, I meant the name of the show."       
                                   
***********************************************************
Tix Lady:         'According to VISA this is STILL an                                 incorrect billing address. Could it be
                          under any other address?  GROAN"

Mrs. Customer:  ' I am really sorry. We lost our home
                            in Hurricane Sandy. I evacuated with
                            my wife, my dog, three pairs of                                       underwear, my cell phone & my                                         tickets. I can't mail there back                                       because there is no post office."

We can only imagine this loss. AND Tix Lady loves him because he thought to take his theatre tix. 
***********************************************
 Mr. Customer: "NEVER LET HER GO"

TIX LADY:       "What?"

Mr. Customer:  "I want to see 'NEVER LET HER GO'"

Tix Lady:          "In what theatre is that show playing?"

Mr. Customer:  "At Lincoln Center"

Tix Lady:          "OH. That's SOUTH PACIFIC"

The tv commercial shows Emil singing SOME ENCHANTED EVENING.   The song ends "Once you have found her never let her go"  
*****************************************************                            
Tix Lady:          'May I have the name as it appears on                               your card?'

Mrs. Customer: 'First name, Plantonasia. Do you need                               me to  spell it?'


************************************************************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer:  " May I call back later and impossibly
                            get these tickets?"

******************** ******************************** ************************ ************************** ******************


Mrs. Customer:  "The credit card number is 3725
                            Hi, Sweetheart, go right in there.
                           Will you give that to Julie?  Thank
                            you. 692824
                            Oh My Lord. What a sweet dress!
                            Where did your Mommy buy that?
                            Your Grandma gave it to you? What
                            a nice Gammy you have. Lucky Girl.
                             It's my daughters' birthday party.
                            Hello?

Tix Lady:              Still here.  Happy Birthday. 

Mrs. Customer:      99725 Expiration 12/18  Oh hi, 
                              Pauline, I'm just ordering tix.
                              Be Right there.  Security code
                              2424.  Now WHAT ELSE do YOU
                              need?

Tix Lady:                Who me?

Mrs. Customer:       YES.  Who else am I talking to?

        
                              ************************************************
Mrs. Customer:   "I spell my first name D-A-I  - that's                                pronounced 'Die'...
                             Last name Y-O-U-N-G   Young."
                                         
***********************************************************
Mrs. Customer:   " What row of the orchestra IS that 
                              hangover?"

Tix Lady wishes she had a hangover.
***********************************************
Mrs. Customer:   " I just saw Rock of Ages. Are you                                    aware  that a man runs around that                                  stage in his  not boxers BUT in                                        tidy-widies??     

WHAT the hell is that?                                +**********************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "May I look at my appointment book a
                           moment?  I need to arrange the 
                           theatre around my chemo                                                 appointments.  It is very important
                            to laugh and enjoy"  
               **********************************************************
Mrs. Customer:    "What time is Ma Ma Mia on Saturday                              afternoon?"
Tix Lady:              "2 p.m."

Mrs. Customer:    " OK I need three tix."

Tix Lady:              "Orchestra is avaiable at $130."

Mrs. Customer:    "Do you have cheaper?"

Tix Lady:              "I have tix at $67.50  Mezzenine"

Mrs. Customer:    " O.K. I'll take those.  What time
                               is THAT show?"

Tix Lady:              " No matter where you sit, the show
                                is still at 2 p.m."
************************************************************
Tix Lady:              "...and the name on the card..."

Mrs. Customer:    "Rose Thorn"      

************************************************************
Tix Lady:           " I have tix for Macbeth at 7 tonight"

Mrs. Customer:   " Can you hold on?  I want to call my                                   husband" ...

Tix Lady:             " OK"

Mrs.Customer :     "Sadie, can I borrow your phone?"
                              *click  * click * click...  Derick! Hi!                                    Macbeth is  at 7.  Seven.  Did you                                    eat?"

Tix Lady:               "No. Not yet" 
***********************************************************+*

Mr. Customer:  ' I ordered e tix for Phantom of the 
                           Opera and you people sent me the
                            wrong show.  You sent me tix for
                            the Adobe Acrobats"

                                         ************************************************************
Tix Lady:       "And so that's two tix for OLD JEWS                               TELLING  JOKES 6/2 at....

Mr. Customer:  "Just a minute, Miss."   (To someone in the back                                         ground)                    
                         'Well....Should we wait to see IF he
                          dies?  I don't want to get the tix and                             THEN he dies & we can't go.  Should                               we wait another week and see?'

( Thanx to Tix Lady, Ursie, for the above saga
***********************************************

Mrs. Customer:  "I want tix for The Book by Merman"
                                           
Tix Lady:            "THE BOOK OF MORMON. How
                            many tix do you need?"

************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:   "I need 7 tix, 3 in the front and 4
                              behind for BRING IT ON.  My
                              children kick the seats and so this
                              way, they won't disturb anyone else."

Tix Lady:             " You could teach them not to do that                                              OR
                               let me sit in front of them". 

************************************************************
Tix Lady:             " May I have the billing address of your 
                              credit card?"

Mr. Customer:     " 102 Afterglow Drive"   

*********************************************************************
Tix Lady:           "...and the name on the card is...?"

Ms. Customer:   "Carol M. Lawrence"

Tix Lady:           "Wait.  THE Carol Lawrence? Singer,
                          Dancer, Actress?"

Ms. Lawrence:   " YES. AND the M is for ...MARIA"

(She WAS the original Maria in West Side Story & if you didn't know THAT --log off now)  

                           " AND do you know that at closing time                                all over the world in every Gay Bar,                                  after they say goodnight...
                             You know what  they sing?"

( AND she sang...THERE'S A PLACE FOR US...SOME WHERE      A PLACE FOR US. )

AND "SOME DAY" she said she'd take ME to Sardis' for lunch.  Some days this job brings incredible JOY!!! Tho'
it will never happen, it was fun chatting with her. 

8 months later  The Tix Office is selling tix for a play she is in AND she came to the tix office & brought homemade meat balls & walked on a torn meniscus with a cane & showed us a tap step! Singer, dancer, actress, cook! TROUPER.

********************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:   "My address is One East Broadway. That's                            number one.  First letter 'E' for
                           egg. 'A' for ass . 'S' for shit-  
                           'T' for  Tom.  Next word 'B' for....."

Tix Lady:            " Thank you.  BUT I know how to spell,
                             BROADWAY & I knew how to spell                                  East, too" 

(I could not believe the word she thought of for 'S')   
      
************************************************************
Mrs. Customer: " I don't know what you mean by 2nd
                            level."

Tix Lady:         " There are two levels in this theatre. 
                           Orchestra is the first and above the
                           10th row is the Mezzanine, the 2nd 
                           floor"

Mrs. Customer: " You said there are steps"

Tix Lady:           " Yes.  One flight up to the Mezz.                                                                        
                            Two steps down to each row like stadium seating at a baseball  game!’                            
                             
Mrs. Customer:   "Oh.  So the Mezzanine seats are more
                             comfortable than the Orchestra?"

There are times when the Tix Lady wants to crawl  under the desk and cry.
***********************************************
                                   
Mrs. Customer:  "I want to get a ticket for John                                        Edward, who speaks to the dead.
                           But do you think if my husband's
                           been dead for    18 years, it's too late                              for him to come back?"

Tix Lady:            " I'm sorry but I don't think he can
                            actually come back. But if he's
                            around, John Edward is the man to
                            tell you what he's saying from where 
                            ever he is."
                                  ************************************************************ Mr. Mr. Customer:  "I am telling you I AM on your website
                          and I can't find the seating chart for
                          THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA".

Tix Lady:           " Just type the first letter of the show                             name & it will pop up"
                           
Mr. Customer:   "I'm telling you it's not there.  I DID 
                           click on 'F' for Phantom."
                                              
************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:   " And so is the side the center?"

************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:   "I am buying these tix for Cinderella,                               for my piano  student and her                                           father.  
                            She has a mean mother.  Her mother
                            wanted to kill her cat.  I adopted
                            it and so her piano lesson is two                                       hours  because she spends an hour
                             brushing and playing with her cat. I                                 only charge her father for one hour                               tho'. "

*************************************************
  Mrs. Customer:   "Well...I went to see 'Bye Bye Porgy                                 and  Bess' and that Audra McDoogle                                 was really good."
                              
************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:    "Can I cancel?"

Tix Lady:              "Well, normally there are no refunds,
                              cancellations or exchanges but I can 
                              check with my supervisor.  I will                                     have   to tell him the reason."

Mrs. Customer:     " I just don't want to lug my husband
                               out in this rain."

(This lady lives on E. 55th Street and was going to see a
  play at Lincoln Center.)
************************************************
Ms. Customer:   "I need two tix for Streetcar named
                           Desiree'."

************************************************************

Ms. Customer:   "Who is in Cabernet now?"

(Tis Lady wanted to say WHITE OR RED)

***********************************************************
Ms. Customer:  "I want tix for Jack Hugeman."

Tix Lady:          "You mean Hugh Jackman?"  

***********************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I didn't get my tix yet and they were
                            a hundred and 25 degrees each" 

************************************************************** 
Mrs. Customer:  " I got home & I don't have my                                         sweater. I must have  dropped it at                                 the theatre.  Give me their number!

Tix Lady:             "We can't give out the theaters phone                              # but I can fill out a lost & found                                   form. We messenger it to the                                         theatre.The cleaning crew comes in
                            in the  morning & anything that's                                     found is put in the managers' safe.                                 He'll call you if your sweater is                                       there."

Mrs. Customer:  'That's not good enough. That is                                       stupid.  You are a moron."

Tix Lady:            'Maybe, &  yet, I've never left                                         anything in theatre'  
******************************************************************
Mr. Customer:   "Two tix for the ANTI CHRIST"

Tix Lady:            "THE ANARCHIST at the CORT                                                   THEATRE?"

                                           
**********************************************************
Ms. Customer:    " Does the show have 1/2 time?"

Tix Lady:             "There's one fifteen minute                                                  INTERMISSION"

( Thanx to co worker David for this one)                                 
**********************************************************

Mrs. Customer:     "What time is THAT show over?"

Tix Lady:               "What show are you seeing?"

Mrs. Customer:      "Phantom of the Opera"

Tix Lady:                "It's 2 1/2 hours long"

Mrs. Customer:     "WHAT TIME is the 2 o'clock show 
                                 over?"
                                  
um…that would be 2/12 hours from whatever time I said it starts. DO THE MATH!

****************************************************************************************************************************************************

Mrs. Customer:    "I want four tix to the Gazillion Bubble
                            show.  Johnny is 8, Millie is 6, and                                     little Gabby is five."


( Dear Reader,  Please don't give too much information to   a stranger.  You don't know WHO is on the other end of
  the phone taking your personal information) 
************************************************************
 Mr, Customer:  "I need three tix for Phantom of the                                Oprah"
                                                   
************************************************************

Tix Lady:           "...and would you like to use American
                            Express points to purchase your tix?"

Mrs. Customer:  " Nope.  You know my husband refuses  
                            to spend our points.  He is a 'point
                            hoarder.  I am thinking of putting him
                            in the BETTY FORD CLINIC for 
                              Points Addiction."
                         
                                        
***********************************************************

Mrs. Customer:    "Wait. WHAT Cinderella is this?

Tix Lady:              " Rogers and Hammerstein."

Mrs. Customer:    " I don't think THAT Cinderealla is 
                                appropriate for children."

  *********************************************
Mr. Customer:  "I want to see the show on the 25th"

Tix Lady:           " Sorry. There's no show on Dec. 25th                               There are two shows on the 23rd                                    & then no performances until the                                   26th."       

Mr. Customer:     " Oh.  O.k.  How about the 24th?"   

*************************************************
Tix Lady:         " I'd like to spell back your email                                       address  to make sure it's correct."
                          

Mrs. Customer: "I WANT you to say it like this and 
                          "N" for Neuter.  'L  for Loser..."
                            

(Such a charmer)

***********************************************************

Ms. Customer:  "I looked at a seat map and I saw it said
                           row O has a folding arm rest. What is
                           that."
                           
Tix Lady:          "Certain seats have an arm that can be
                           pushed up to make it easier for anyone
                           who needs to transfer from a                                          wheelchair  or if the seat is too small                              it's more  comfortable for anyone who
                           needs more room."
                     
Ms. Customer :  "You mean fat, right? Will they block                                my vision?"  
***********************************************************
Mrs. Customer:    " I need to be very close to the                                         stage."

Tix Lady:               " I have 2nd row center"

Mrs. Customer:     "Is that too close? 

Please remember when you buy tix, we have your address so don't be too annoying.
***********************************************************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:      "How much are the $67. seats?"

Tix Lady:                "They are 67 dollars"
                                            

****************************************************************************************************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "I have been a memba since the 
                            the beginning.  I am very familiar with
                            Mitzi Newman The-A-Ter"

( Dear Reader, It's the Mitzi Newhouse Theatre)
  
**********************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "CRUNCH CRUNCH SMACK CRUNCH"
 
Tix Lady:            "Theatre Tix.  Um... Are you eating
                              Fritos?"

Mrs. Customer:    "Wow.  How did you know that?"

Tix Lady:               "I recognize the crunch"

(What makes people call and THEN put food in their   mouths?)

********************************************************

Mrs. Customer:   "The date is not important. We want 2
                             tix on any Tuesday. CENTER                                            ORCHESTRA.

Tix Lady:              "I have two tix in the Center                                             Orchestra this Tuesday 10th row."

Mrs. Customer:     "THAT Tuesday is not good"

Tix Lady:               " I have two tix the following                                            Tuesday  8th row center."
                                
Mrs. Customer :     "Is THAT an aisle seat?"

Tix Lady:                "No. It's in the center."

Mrs. Customer:       "My husband needs an aisle seat"


Tix Lady:                 "O.K. Two seats center orchestra                                     on  Tuesday, the 21st on an aisle."
                                  
Mrs. Customer:        "THAT Tuesday is no good"

Tix Lady:                  " Would you like to tell me which
                                   date you're available?"

Mrs. Customer:        " Any Tuesday. We're flexible"

                                       
********************************************************

Tix Lady:         "Tix Lady.  What show would you like?     

Anonymous:           FLUSH " Hello? Hello??"

  Dear Reader,  TIX LADY thinks THAT IS JUST NASTY.

**************************************************************

Ms. Customer:      "What is a Mezz A Reen ?"

**************************************************************
Mr. Older Customer:  "Which shows have tix on Christmas?" 

Tix Lady:                     "I'll check for you.  How many tix do you                                       need?"

Mr. Older Customer:    " One"            

( Awww.  Maybe his family had all passed on and he is alone.  Maybe he's creepy and has no friends )                   


*************************************************************

Tix Lady:           "These are the best available seats"

Mrs. Customer:   "Do you have anything better?"    

*************************************************************

Mrs. Customer:  " I ordered tix on the internet but I put
                           my daughters name because she will be
                           picking up the tickets because they are a
                           gift but it dawned on me that it should be
                           MY name because I am the credit card 
                           holder and I don't want things to be all
                           f--k-d up when she gets to the theatre so
                           can you fix it?  I'm at school right now &
                           about to teach my class so can you hurry up?

                                      

( Tix Lady wonders if she teaches classes about run on sentences?)
**************************************************************

Mr. Customer:  " I put my toothbrush in"

Tix Lady:         "Sorry. What's the name of the show?"

Mr. Customer :  "I put my toothbrush in.  I put my toothbrush 
                            in...heh heh heh"

Tix Lady:          " I don't see that on our site.  Is it a Childrens'
                           Show?  Do you know which theatre?"

Mr. Customer:    "#@!*###  ARE YOU DEAF? I SAID I PUT
                           MY TOOTH BRUSH IN"

( Co worker interrupts.  " Is THAT the toothbrush guy! He's a 
                                         making a 'dirty' phone call"

   Oh my! This poor man.  He is   incapable of communicating obviously.  This was not obscene at all.
To a Tix   Lady,  "I PUT MY TOOTHBRUSH  IN ' ... sounds like kiddie show.  
                
****************************************************************
Tix Lady:        "You're standing throughout this 65 minute show"
                        
Mr. Customer:  "So are they standing seats?"

Tix Lady:  "Give me a moment while I ponder your question'.
         
                                   
*************************************************************
Tix Lady: " Your tix order was returned to us by the Post Office                       and the first name is... Fabreeze?"

 Ms. Customer:  "FABRICE"

     (whoops) 
*****************************************************************
  Mrs. Customer: "Oh Hello..I was wondering if you could                                         enlighten me?"
             
                             
*****************************************************************
Mrs. Customer:  "...And so...is it a sad tragedy?"   %

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Your Neighbor | Reply 12.01.2018 23.08

Who KNEW you’re so funny!!!

Jilly | Reply 08.02.2017 10.59

You have no idea how you make me smile! You are a delight

debra larotonda | Reply 11.09.2016 19.22

Too funny! Thanks!

Joanne | Reply 17.07.2015 13.43

Very funny (and instructive) ;)) Truth is stranger than fiction!

Tix Lady 17.07.2015 23.21

That is for sure!! Thank you!'

Judy | Reply 14.06.2015 22.43

You make us happy Tix Lady, good to have you back writing words of wisdom.

Hal | Reply 08.12.2014 03.12

Jeannie, you had me in stitches, and you know where I work. Needless to say I got a lot of strange looks from other tenants. Love the spontaneous humor.

Claudia | Reply 01.09.2014 17.25

Loved reading this. Keep it coming, Jeanie! Thanks for including me on your list.

Judy | Reply 15.08.2014 23.41

Thanks Jeanie - I always check in and always smile at the funny things
people say.

Billy Hipkins | Reply 28.06.2014 02.05

Tix Lady, yer killin' me. Write on!

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Latest comments

12.01 | 23:08

Who KNEW you’re so funny!!!

...
08.02 | 10:59

You have no idea how you make me smile! You are a delight

...
11.09 | 19:22

Too funny! Thanks!

...
17.07 | 23:21

That is for sure!! Thank you!'

...
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